but i can’t. i thought i would grow out of this… i started si’ing at 14. i’m now 25, and i do this on a regular basis. i have so many scars, i have run out of places to injure. i need to stop. i want to stop. i just don’t know how! i have 3 children who depend on me and a very small handful of friends who try to be supportive, and a husband who can’t understand the hatred i have towards myself. i just don’t know what to do any more! i struggle with myself on a day to day basis, telling myself, don’t SI, don’t do it. just try. i went for a few months at one point… then i don’t know what happened. i gave in. i havn’t stopped yet. that was maybe 4 months ago, january february i think. i’m not sure. i injure multiple times a week! everywhere i can reach. it’s ridiculous! but what can i do? sometimes i cry, sometimes i smile. i was just discharged out of the psychiatric unit 2 weeks ago… my friend caught me doing it, and she brought me right to the hospital and had me admitted. it didn’t do much, cause since i’ve been out i’ve injured.
a few hours ago, i fought with a very close friend… he accused me of stealing some of his medication… i can understand his frustration, but he knows i’m at a breaking point, he as access to my journal, the only person i trust enough to read it, and he accused ME of stealing his medications… i would never! anyway, after the huge fight, along with all the pain i have suffered over this last week, i finally caved…. i tried to fall asleep after i was done, but kept thinking about something my mom told me.
she and i had a conversation before i got admitted. we were talking about my SI. she asked if i still do it. i told her yes, i actually never stopped! she was surprised to hear it, i was surprised she didn’t know! every year she sees me in a bathing suit, and every year theres new scars. but, anyway… she said, you need help! there’s gotta be a SI anonymous. there’s one for every type of addiction, and this IS an addiction. you need the help! and she’s right. i need help. i need support. i need other people i can talk to who do this too! there’s no point in talking to someone if they don’t know what i’m feeling, or are able to help me one bit, is there?
so, here i am. i am taking this first step. i am reaching out, i need help, please, please PLEASE help me! help me over come this, and help ME win the fight for a change. i ican’t do this anymore! i need to be better, i’m so broken. i can’t do this to my kids, my husband and mostly, myself!
please help me.