Last night I’m sure could have been a breaking point for me…but it wasn’t. I ruined it and I still don’t know why.
I’m not sure if i’ve mentioned this before or not…but I go to a recovery group at my church called Celebrate Recovery. It’s kind of like AA or NA only its for any kind of addiction. Last night I went and I was in my group and I ended up sharing something that I was so scared to share. Something only a few other people know about and something that I’m still ashamed of and can’t let go of. Well I shared it and afterward I felt this overwhelming feeling that wouldn’t go away. My anxiety got worse. I felt sick to my stomach. My heart was racing and I couldn’t handle it. I remembered that I had something in my bag from earlier that day that I could use to SI. So I took it out and put it in my pocket quick so no one could see me. Not to do it bad cause I didn’t want anyone to see, but just to feel it there and to calm down a little. So yeah, I injured in a church. I walked around talking to people like nothing was wrong while it was in my pocket the whole time. But then I accidentally injured….. Then I got a ride home from a friend and I couldn’t take keeping it in. So I told her what I did. She was a little upset, but didnt judge me. But she asked me over and over again to give it to her..since she knew by my silence that I didn’t throw it away when she asked where it was. But I just sat there in the car. I couldn’t give it to her. Idk why but I couldn’t. So I gave her a hug and went in the house. It is still in my bag at this moment. Idk how I feel about it. I know if I was able to give it up, then I could at least try to stop again…but I didn’t. Now who knows when i’ll be able to. And I still can’t believe I injured in a church..