First, I would like to thank everyone who comments on my posts. You words of encouragement mean sooo much to me. YOU guys get me through a lot and I am so greatful that I am able to share what I am learning with all of you. I do not know if any of what I am learning can/will help you, but I only hope that it helps atleast one person. Everything I am learning is new to me. Its funny, I am 24 and I feel like I’m just learning the first steps in life. Like the past 24 years I never comprehended anything and just let it all slip away. But, in the disease of addiction that is what we do. We do not deal with “life on life’s terms”…and I will tell you that it isn’t all that fun learning how to. However, the benefits are great, and are worth all the tears. Yet, in all the tears I have shed in these past months and especially during my sobriety (from SI, drugs, and alcohol) I have gained peace and joy from them, even though most of the tears are painful.
Today…
Well, I’m not that great today. I am still clean and sober and SI free!!! (which still blows my mind, but in such an accomplishing way!) However, someone very near and dear to me is changing. Changing in ways that could lead to a relapse. Now, he does not SI, but he is in recovery for drugs and alcohol. My sponsor tells me to be careful, and I am. It is very crazy, because I have lived in my own apartment since December 6, 2008. Since I have been that I have not felt at home, I am very uneasy there and prefer staying at someone else’s home. Yet, in this past week and 1/2 I have become home sick when I am away over night. I have become comfortable at my home, and I miss it when I am away, even if it is just for an afternoon with a friend. My home is becoming safe to me, and I feel safe there. Now, I belive (I KNOW) that this is God’s doing. He has put this into motion, because He knows the situation right now that I am witnessing. I know in my gut that the changes that my boyfriend is making are not healthy for his recovery…my heart is trying to justify these things. My disease is tricking me…my disease (addiction) is the devil…and it knows how it can hurt me the most. I am struggling a lot, I know that I need to talk to him and tell him that I am concerned. I have never been one to deal with confrontation well, either does he. So, I am at a stand still with this. However, my gut knows and God knows that I need to back away. I need to take care of me, for I am my number one concern right now. I have to be. And we all know how hard it is to deal with our feelings, obviously, thats why we all SI. I am frightened because I think of SI atleast once a day, now it is only a thought, and it passes, but still…I know that this is going to get harder. My sponsor tells me that right now, I am just going to have to hold on. Hold on for dear life. I don’t know if many of you are like me…but my recovery is my choice between life and death. I know that drugs and alcohol will/can kill me and that I cannot ever do either one again, like someone who is not an addict can. But, more sever I know that I can no longer SI without putting my life on the line. I am fighting very hard right now, I am still positive and God is with me. I am okay, I am struggling. This is the choice we make when we decide to fight again our fantasy. Something in us knows that we want to live our lives, fantasy is just that, a fantasy. Life is real, everyday, breathing, full of color, love, joy, and heartache. But, for us, what a blessing to finally realize that we have feelings. I think people who have never had to struggle like we do take for granted a lot of the things in life. For one thing, I think it is amazing that I can cry, and I can hurt, and I can overcome that!
For all of you who are stuggling….KEEP FIGHTING IT…DON’T GIVE IN…WE GAIN TOO MUCH FROM LIFE TO LET THE DEVIL WIN!!!! My prayers are with you all. And again, thank you for every comment you leave, your prayers, and your thoughts.
~Jymes