Sure I can celebrate that I’ve been SI free for five months but know that it hasn’t been without a struggle. I have made a conscious effort to choose not to self-injure.
Today I had a “crappy good” session with my therapist. That term comes from when I attended SAFE last Aug/Sept. It’s crappy b/c of having to sit with uncomfortable emotions, finding a way to identify them and to express them but it’s good to cry and let all those tears flow and to give a voice to those emotions that are so often silenced.
So today we went deeper than usual and I cried a lot. I told my therapist that I’ve been having strong urges to SI. She guided me through a visualization excercise where I had to sit with that hurt, pain, and anger that I feel before I SI. She had me stay there and express that anger in other ways by visualizing it. I cried so much today but it was a good cry.
I’m confident in my choice not to SI anymore. I don’t want to do that to cope with my feelings anymore. I’d rather learn better ways to cope and to manage these intense feelings. Sure I still get urges and some days they are really strong but those are the days that I tell myself to sit with the uncomfortable feelings or to get out of the house or to log. Speaking of logs, I haven’t logged since I last SI’ed back in December. Today I opened up my log and started using it again. I think it’s important that I face what feeling I am experiencing and then to find a better, even creative way to express that feeling.
I hope my progress can inspire some of you who are struggling with SI. I am ever grateful to SAFE for the Intensive program that really taught me that I am a worthwhile person and that I have a choice when it comes to injuring. Some of us who were at SAFE are getting together for a reunion of sorts in Chicago at the end of June. I’m anxious about the visit but I’m excited too. It will be so wonderful to see the friends I made in SAFE once again! We’re planning on having fun hanging out and just being friends to one another.