I’m weak… I forgot how difficult trying to stop S.I. is… I stopped before when I had a boyfriend because obviously it was too difficult to hide from him. But now that I don’t have someone seeing all of me all of the time I have no protector, no one to keep an eye on me… I feel so unsafe from myself…. everywhere I turn theres a reminder or a thought that brings me back to S.I…. I get so hot wearing clothes to cover any injuries… And do you know how many things have sharp edges? The list never ends! AND THEYRE EVERYWHERE! even the occassional simple item lying on my desk is a reminder… I hate this so much… I’m so incredibly weak… its only day 3…. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me I can do this… Prayer isn’t helping I need someone physically here telling me ‘NO’…. I am so weak, help me please!
You need to stop. You need to stop focusing on everything that reminds you of SIing. For instance, when you see something, look at it and think to yourself “this ____ is used for ____ it is NOT used for SIing.” You are focusing on SIing too much. Recovery is hard no matter what, but you are making it almost impossible. I am not trying to be mean, or make you mad…I am just telling you what I was told. And it wasn’t told to me in the nicest way, but that was what I needed to hear. You are not weak…you are not helpless. The saddest part is we are all only humans. People let people down, whether we want them to or not. And sometimes the ones who are letting us down, do not even know that we hold them soooo high up. So, really, it is not their fault when we are hurt by them. They didn’t know, and we cannot expect others to protect us for the rest of our lives. Do you have a picture of yourself as a child (like 2 or 3 years old)? If so, look at that picture and tell that little child that you are never going to let them get hurt again. I do this everyday. I have promised this 2 year old little girl that I will never let her be hurt again. I know that the people who raised her (me) did not care for her the way they shold have. And the things that happened to her (me) were horrible…but I have PROMISED that she (me) will NEVER hurt like that again. I’ll tell you what, it sounds crazy, but it really gets me through a lot. Especially looking at that little girl and wanting nothing but love and happiness for her. I can give that to myself today. Today, I have that ability, and the willpower, the determination, and today, I have love for me.
Hang in there!!!! We are all in the same boat…I will pray for you.
In your perceived weakness is strength! I know it doesn’t seem to be true or that it doesn’t make sense but think about this – you are making an effort to choose not to self-injure. You are communicating your feelings and by doing this in the blog you are showing strength! Way to go! You can do this for yourself; not for others b/c they might see your injuries. You have worth and don’t deserve to hurt yourself. You are beautiful!