hello everyone. i haven’t posted anything in a very long time because i’ve been so busy with school and sports and getting ready for graduation on wednesday (i’m only graduating from 8th grade, but everyone’s making it a big deal). i’m proud to say, however, my streak is still going, which is really amazing because i have been sooooo stressed. today marks 172 days SI free. that’s the same as 4128 hours, or 247680 minutes, or 14860800 seconds. it’s a very long time.
lately, though, i’ve started to think of him a lot. i want to talk to him one more time, even though that would deeply hurt me. i’ve accepted the fact that he wouldn’t care one bit if i disappeared forever, but i can’t help but still have feelings for him. i know he was a jerk for making a joke out of my feelings and hurting me for entertainment, but i can’t hate him. i don’t know why, but i just can’t have negative thoughts toward him. that seems completely messed up. i’m not a hateful person, so maybe it’s just how i am. i just want to move on in life and forget him. i haven’t even seen him since december, but i can’t forget him. i’m searching for something, but i don’t know what it is. maybe i need the closure i never got and will never get. i am writing a letter to him (i’ll never ever send it, though) and maybe that will fill this void i’m feeling.
oh yeah, i’m not completely SI free. i’ve had a couple of days when i sort of, kinda SIed, but so little that i don’t even count it as injuring. it happened when i wasn’t really aware of what i was doing. i know i sound like i’m trying to justify it, but i’m not. i honestly did it unaware of my actions. it worried me a lot, but i’ve been fine ever since.
i guess i’ll stop writing now so that this isnt so long that nobody will read it. oh, i want to let all of you know that i pray for you often and really wish the best for you.
love, j 😀