It’s hard for people to understand suicide outside this website. I don’t really want to die, not that badly; it’s just that I see no other options. Sure, I’m probably young and immature, and I’ve thought of all the psychobabble. It’s just that after night after night of nightmare, then day after day of reliving them in the most perverted, despicable forms, I crave release–escape. Other forms of hurting myself make me worse–sad. But I need something. I live life so strongly, always taking the edge and dancing on its heaving belly, but it’s too much even for me. My father hates me and wishes that I would no longer even think depressive thoughts (so that he can feel free not to be a parent). My mother wishes that I were a lost miscarriage male named Robbie. An engineer–not a writer. My life is dissolving before my very eyes and the brilliant colours produced make me dizzy and scared, and that jagged abscess in my lungs makes it very difficult to breathe.
So…
things to Help?
I know justt how that feels. You feel like no one around you wants to be a part of your life, and you wish they were more than anything else. But the thing here is, you are who you are, and they can’t go back and change it now.
I’m actually confused about what to say to you, other than the fact that you seem like a pretty good person and that there is hope for you. You said you write–that’s great. The most important thing in life, I think, is doing what we love…as long as it’s good for us. I think you know what I mean to say by that. You can get through these things, and especially without the SI. I know you can. Don’t isolate yourself, and most certainly never ever feel like you have no one. You have a whole blog full of people, and a ton of resources. As long as we keep our resources handy, our addictions can be conquered. This goes for anyone. I think you can make it, you’re strong. Just have faith in yourself, and I’ll pray for you too.
<3,rescue
I think it is great that you share here with us. I wonder though…do you have someone that you can confide in? A therapist, or anyone along those lines? If not, I think that would be somethign to look into.
I know what you mean by those feelings and words. However, when I stopped SIing and started realizing that I was isolating myself and just making my addiciton worse, I was amazed at what I realized. I realized that maybe my family doesn’t understand, but they love me, in their weird way. And maybe I cannot count on them to keep me safe, but I can count on myself. And maybe I only have 3 friends…but I will tell you what, those 3 friends would give their lives for me.
You need to take a step back, collect your thoughts, and take a really deep breath. You will be okay…you are a very strong person! I mean, just look at your post…it takes someone who wants help, who wants recovery, who knows that they are strong, to talk about those feelings!! That is amazing!!! And awesome for you!!! I wish and hope the best of luck for you!!! I’ll pray for you also!!! Good Luck! 🙂 Keep your head up! 🙂