Its hard sometimes remembering the past. However, accepting it and overcoming it is very theraputic and a way to move on with your life. I often get upset with myself for being so selfish, for letting my SI addiction get the best of me. Then you just sit in self pity and it becomes all about me. I talked with a girl today who has a similar background like me and I look at her and listen to her and I just want to hug her and tell her that I understand her pain. I know how bad she hurts and I know the fear that she feels. “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.” I constantly try to keep that in my mind, I truly belive that statement!! If I reach out to s omeone and share my recovery with them, maybe it will help them, maybe it won’t. I can only hope that it does. And at the same time I am actually helping myself. I am becoming less selfish and my world becomes bigger because I have taken my focus off of myself. I struggle with this everyday and I also struggle with the unknowing want of attention. I realized that I was begining to focus on the fact that I wake up in panics, so everytime I went to bed I though “I know I am probably goign to wake up in a panic.” Guess what, I did. So, I stayed with my boyfriend every night for a good week. Yesterday, I talked with my sponsor and told her this, and I also said I am sick of this, I want to be at home, I want to be in myown bed. I stayed at my apartment last night, said a prayer before bed, and guess what, no panic!! It was wonderful, I realized that by me staying there al the time that I was using him as my crutch and once again letting something distract me from my recovery. Being in recovery is teaching me how to live, how to love, and how to be loved. I cannot expect him to always be there, he might not be, today, he is. But, we do not know what tomorrow holds, we can only be here today, and hope for tomorrow. I know that subconciously I was wanting his attention, and I was getting it…I feel guilty for that now. Which I should, but now I have reconginzed it, and now I can change it. I already feel better. Is anyone else going through anything similar and maybe wanting to share???
I’ve really been appreciating the courage of your posts. I wonder what you mean by “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.” I actually don’t understand that. Back to the courage though- I have so much trouble working through my shame around wanting the attention that si brings. I haven’t hurt myself badly for a couple months and haven’t even done lesser stuff for a few weeks. I feel like I’m really moving away from it but I have a nagging fear that people (really my therapist, I guess) will just let go. I want people to be careful with me. I’m really trying to put my life together in a way that’s healthier than how it was and I’m getting much better quickly and I’m afraid of loosing support. (Like I wonder should I still even be on this site when the urges are a small part of my life now and the following through on at least the really dangerous thoughts just isn’t going to happen any time soon.)
I’m pretty sure that feeling guilty about wanting your boyfriend’s attention isn’t helpful to anyone. I think that could be reframed in a way that’s kinder to yourself- maybe by recognizing that you were doing your best- if you’d been capable of acting more skillfully you would have done so. And… now that you see it you are quickly modifying your behavior.
I feel like I’m going through this sort of breaking of really starting to let advise and guidance in. I’m doing a dbt group and I’m amazed by how hard it is not to push the information away- it really does feel like I have to break to let it in and I feel really sad and I don’t know why and I can’t cry, as much as I want to. But I also know that it’s just not useful to get all worked up about that. Last week I was able to be in the group and feel like a regular whole person and participate a bit. This week somehow I ended up really withdrawn again. I’m afraid that I withdraw for attention or self-protection or a mixture of the two, which gets me to feeling ashamed again. [Sigh.]
I was having a hard time with sleeping and I’m not anymore. There I found that intentions are huge. If I go to bed thinking that I’ll wake up at 4, that’s what’s going to happen. For a while I had to think my way through it- I’d say “I intend to sleep through the night.” Now I’ve gotten to just assume that I’ll be able to fully rest and it doesn’t take that effort.
This is the sort of conversation that could really be useful to me. I hope more people reply and that it keeps going. Thank you.
Thank you for your post! You’re making some really great realizations. That’s what I’ve believed all along…the more you share, the more opportunity you’re giving yourself to heal, others to understand, and maybe helping someone else recover. Spreading hope is a great thing, and it’s also pretty important for you and for those recov ering around you. I’m so proud of you Jymes!
<3 rescue
I totally know what you mean. I know the stereotype for a self-injurer is an emo girl who wants attention. This stereotype kept me very secretive about my behavior with friends and family. At first, it did serve me in that I finally got the courage to go to counseling at my school. I was really afraid the therapist would think I didn’t need to be there and my SI validated my presence.
I was very depressed for two years and was having suicidal thoughts but I still feared that deep inside I was just bored and wanted attention. I have now come to learn that I was a painfully insecure young woman with very many valid reasons to be depressed. I was just expressing my pain the only way I knew how. It was also self-validation for my emotions. If I had physical injuries I could see, it proved to myself I wasn’t making it up. My mind was in a very dark and confused state.
Though this time was the worst of my life so far, I don’t regret it. I have grown so much I can’t even describe. I am now a very empathetic person. I have a willingness and desperate wanting to help anyone in a sad situation. I look forward to the joy I will have each time I know I have helped someone because God gave me the opportunity and words to say. I’m so excited about living my life! Before I was just trying to make it through the day feeling as little pain as possible. Now everyday is a new opportunity to grow.
Don’t feel bad about wanting attention from your boyfriend. If that was one of the only ways you knew how to feel better, of course you used it! What’s the alternative? Waking up in a panic every night? Unless you’re being really manipulative and bringing down your boyfriend to satisfy your own needs, there is no shame in leaning on the person you should be able to lean on when you need to.
I feel very hopeful for you. Your candid honesty inspires me. The best way to get rid of shame is to bring to light what you’re ashamed of. Once you do that, you can dissect it, change it, and, most likely, realize it wasn’t so bad in the first place. Thank you for your willing spirit. God bless.
I really want to thank you guys for your comments and your unconditional support. It truly means a lot.
All I really can say is that WE are not alone in this constant battle between our good and our evil. However, our higher power, whoever that maybe for you, shows us that He loves us. And that we will be okay. The biggest thing for me is the difference between self-pity and just acknowledging what is going on and expressing it, if that makes any sense to anyone? There is a fine line, however, I think I am on the right side of it. I am glad that my words and what I am learning can be of use to you all. That really makes my heart light up. And I love that we are all open and blunt…I think that is how we overcome this. Although, recovery, I know will be a part of my life everyday for the rest of it…no matter how hard anything gets I know that if I SI I am only making it that much harder. My life will then become unmanageable again…and heartache will only follow continiously. I enjoy the fact that I become sad because I am allowing myself to feel…and I enjoy when the feeling of saddness passes and I am overcome with joy and peace.
Sorry for ranting….but I really do want to thank all of you for all that you do for me!! 🙂 I only hope that I can do the same.