Its hard sometimes remembering the past. However, accepting it and overcoming it is very theraputic and a way to move on with your life. I often get upset with myself for being so selfish, for letting my SI addiction get the best of me. Then you just sit in self pity and it becomes all about me. I talked with a girl today who has a similar background like me and I look at her and listen to her and I just want to hug her and tell her that I understand her pain. I know how bad she hurts and I know the fear that she feels. “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.” I constantly try to keep that in my mind, I truly belive that statement!! If I reach out to s omeone and share my recovery with them, maybe it will help them, maybe it won’t. I can only hope that it does. And at the same time I am actually helping myself. I am becoming less selfish and my world becomes bigger because I have taken my focus off of myself. I struggle with this everyday and I also struggle with the unknowing want of attention. I realized that I was begining to focus on the fact that I wake up in panics, so everytime I went to bed I though “I know I am probably goign to wake up in a panic.” Guess what, I did. So, I stayed with my boyfriend every night for a good week. Yesterday, I talked with my sponsor and told her this, and I also said I am sick of this, I want to be at home, I want to be in myown bed. I stayed at my apartment last night, said a prayer before bed, and guess what, no panic!! It was wonderful, I realized that by me staying there al the time that I was using him as my crutch and once again letting something distract me from my recovery. Being in recovery is teaching me how to live, how to love, and how to be loved. I cannot expect him to always be there, he might not be, today, he is. But, we do not know what tomorrow holds, we can only be here today, and hope for tomorrow. I know that subconciously I was wanting his attention, and I was getting it…I feel guilty for that now. Which I should, but now I have reconginzed it, and now I can change it. I already feel better. Is anyone else going through anything similar and maybe wanting to share???