For the past two weeks…or week 1/2…not too sure, anyways, I have been staying with my boyfriend. Sleeping has been difficult, but lately (the past two nights) I have been wondering…”Has sleeping only been difficult because I am setting myself up?” By that I mean, I stay with him because I am so afraid that I am going to wake up in a panic that I feel like I am setting myself up for it. Now, the past two nights when I have gone to bed I haven’t thought about it, and I have slept the whole night through. THat makes me think that I almost am waiting for it. Also, when I do wake up in a panic my sponsor says that maybe unknowingly I am looking for attention. Usually, I would have been so mad and bent out of shape by her saying that, but I think she is right. When I do wake up like that I immediately lok for him, and he comforts me. I am just sick of it…I mean, I know that he cares, but I feel like a baby. Like I am old enough to live on my own and take care of myself…I do not need someone to hold my hand while I am sleeping!!! So, I have decided that for the next two weeks I am sleeping at home, and then I will go from there when those two weeks are over. Its hard for me because I do things and then I am like, what am I doing? I change them after I realize that they aredone, but it just makes me crazy. I do not want to use him as my crutch…I can stand on my own…or atleast I am finding this out for myself. Everyday is hard…I can’t lie but I do miss SIing a lot, I do not really know why. I can say that today I am glad that I do not do it, and that I will not, just for today. But, I still miss it. I guess that is only natural, it was my clutch for so many years. I can say that my life is much better without it, however I have only been without it for 46 days, but to me…that is the greatest thing ever!!! I am happy for me and happy that I have a second chance at life…for me it is recovery or death…so, recovery is the choice I have made. There is not a day that I regret that decision!