For the past two weeks…or week 1/2…not too sure, anyways, I have been staying with my boyfriend. Sleeping has been difficult, but lately (the past two nights) I have been wondering…”Has sleeping only been difficult because I am setting myself up?” By that I mean, I stay with him because I am so afraid that I am going to wake up in a panic that I feel like I am setting myself up for it. Now, the past two nights when I have gone to bed I haven’t thought about it, and I have slept the whole night through. THat makes me think that I almost am waiting for it. Also, when I do wake up in a panic my sponsor says that maybe unknowingly I am looking for attention. Usually, I would have been so mad and bent out of shape by her saying that, but I think she is right. When I do wake up like that I immediately lok for him, and he comforts me. I am just sick of it…I mean, I know that he cares, but I feel like a baby. Like I am old enough to live on my own and take care of myself…I do not need someone to hold my hand while I am sleeping!!! So, I have decided that for the next two weeks I am sleeping at home, and then I will go from there when those two weeks are over. Its hard for me because I do things and then I am like, what am I doing? I change them after I realize that they aredone, but it just makes me crazy. I do not want to use him as my crutch…I can stand on my own…or atleast I am finding this out for myself. Everyday is hard…I can’t lie but I do miss SIing a lot, I do not really know why. I can say that today I am glad that I do not do it, and that I will not, just for today. But, I still miss it. I guess that is only natural, it was my clutch for so many years. I can say that my life is much better without it, however I have only been without it for 46 days, but to me…that is the greatest thing ever!!! I am happy for me and happy that I have a second chance at life…for me it is recovery or death…so, recovery is the choice I have made. There is not a day that I regret that decision!
This is making me BEAM. I love hearing that. Recovery is something that’s important, and I’m glad you chose it. So proud of you Laura <3
Well thank you sooo much Rescue!!!
The hardest thing is to make the decision to fight the battle instead of letting the battle fight you!!!
However, it is the greatest decision I have ever made!!!
My life is already reaping the benefits of recovery!!!
Just so you know, you are a big part in this…reading your blogs and how full of faith and hope you are really show me that this is worth it!!!
Thank you, Thank all of you!!! 🙂
Jymes