I don’t know where I am at. Obviously, I am at work right now, and I am safe, and I have a good life, etc. But, I am having a hard time focusing, and a hard time not crying, and a hard time looking at myself. I have another day clean and sober and self-injury free. I know that today is not over yet, but for the next 6 hours I will be okay, and after work I will take it from 9 til the time I go to bed, and I know I will be okay. I will pray.
But, oh man!!! I just feel so crappy! I do not know what to do, I ran into a picture at my mum’s house on Saturday morning, a horrible picture. My step-dad’s face, and I have not seen a picture of him since I was in high school. That threw me through a loop, big time!!! Today, I am so tired, I am tired of crying and sooo very tired of this pain that I feel. It comes from deep inside my soul, my soul that was once taken from me. I can feel it slowly coming back though, I know I still have a soul. I know that I am a good person, but I do not feel like it. I am so ashamed and embarassed and so completely hurt that it almost hurts to touch me. I keep beating myself up in the weight room and I see changes, lol, but I am wondering if I am starting to over do it? I hated my step-dad, I do not think that I hate him today. I know that I did for a very very long time and it took an even longer time to even be able to say his name. However, I hate my uncle…I hate him more than anything!!! I hate him for what he has done to me but more than that, I hate myself for what I think I let him get away with for so many years. And all I want is for my aunt to be here…I just want her to hold me and tell me that everything is goign to be okay and that i am okay. I know that cannot happen…the dead are dead. But, I still can’t help wanting it. I know that my past cannot hurt me, but it still haunts me, every single day. Everyday and I just want some peace. All I keep hearing is that it will only happen in time. Time heals everything, which I don’t completely belive that, but I do belive that time makes it easier to deal with whatever haunts us.
Last night, I was just exhausted…I just wanted to lay there. I just felt like I had nothing left in me. Then I “called a friend” like everyone always says to do, and I asked her if I could borrow her jeep to go and see my boyfriend. So, then I went to his house and was with him for a couple hours…he just held me, and man, did I feel safe. I just felt like nothing could hurt me, no one could hurt me. When I went home I felt much better and slept soundly. Today, I am still out of sorts, and I am still very sad and hurting…but I stilldo not want to SI or use, or drink, so that is all I can ask for. “God, help me get through today. I will worry about tomorrow when it arrives.”