I don’t know where I am at. Obviously, I am at work right now, and I am safe, and I have a good life, etc. But, I am having a hard time focusing, and a hard time not crying, and a hard time looking at myself. I have another day clean and sober and self-injury free. I know that today is not over yet, but for the next 6 hours I will be okay, and after work I will take it from 9 til the time I go to bed, and I know I will be okay. I will pray.
But, oh man!!! I just feel so crappy! I do not know what to do, I ran into a picture at my mum’s house on Saturday morning, a horrible picture. My step-dad’s face, and I have not seen a picture of him since I was in high school. That threw me through a loop, big time!!! Today, I am so tired, I am tired of crying and sooo very tired of this pain that I feel. It comes from deep inside my soul, my soul that was once taken from me. I can feel it slowly coming back though, I know I still have a soul. I know that I am a good person, but I do not feel like it. I am so ashamed and embarassed and so completely hurt that it almost hurts to touch me. I keep beating myself up in the weight room and I see changes, lol, but I am wondering if I am starting to over do it? I hated my step-dad, I do not think that I hate him today. I know that I did for a very very long time and it took an even longer time to even be able to say his name. However, I hate my uncle…I hate him more than anything!!! I hate him for what he has done to me but more than that, I hate myself for what I think I let him get away with for so many years. And all I want is for my aunt to be here…I just want her to hold me and tell me that everything is goign to be okay and that i am okay. I know that cannot happen…the dead are dead. But, I still can’t help wanting it. I know that my past cannot hurt me, but it still haunts me, every single day. Everyday and I just want some peace. All I keep hearing is that it will only happen in time. Time heals everything, which I don’t completely belive that, but I do belive that time makes it easier to deal with whatever haunts us.
Last night, I was just exhausted…I just wanted to lay there. I just felt like I had nothing left in me. Then I “called a friend” like everyone always says to do, and I asked her if I could borrow her jeep to go and see my boyfriend. So, then I went to his house and was with him for a couple hours…he just held me, and man, did I feel safe. I just felt like nothing could hurt me, no one could hurt me. When I went home I felt much better and slept soundly. Today, I am still out of sorts, and I am still very sad and hurting…but I stilldo not want to SI or use, or drink, so that is all I can ask for. “God, help me get through today. I will worry about tomorrow when it arrives.”
You can do this Laura…you’re learning. You’re learning, and I’m learning, and you have one of the most powerful weapons anyone with an addiction could ever have…and that is, God. You acquire tools throughout your life, that make you stronger as a person. These tools are your faults and flaws. They make you stronger, and they contribute greatly to everything you do. You are entitled to not forgiving people for what they’ ve done to you, but I’ve learned recently that you can’t dwell on the past and the things that people have put you through. Because then you’re letting them win. You just have to forget them, forget about it, and let them be.
<3, rescue
I know this phrase can become a bit redundant, but things always get better. Keep the determination you have. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. Rescue is right. Things in life make you a stronger and better person in the end. Try to stay optimistic, and learn from mistakes (We all make them! But it’s a matter of whether or not we learn from them that makes a difference).
We’re all here for you.