As the title says, today was okay. I didn’t wake up until 2:30 this afternoon (I know, gasp! Haha). My aunt took me to Cracker Barrel…and she just about made me SI.
She’s not the one I used to know. She practically raised me for the first 9 years of my life. My mom was always out at bars, and such, and so my aunt cared for me.
My mom and I moved and left my aunt behind, which broke her heart, and I blamed myself for it. I still do…
So, my aunt told me she was depressed and going for therapy about 4 or 5 years ago. That was a big shocker. But I dealt with it.
She told me she’s depressed.  I blamed myself STILL for all of her pain, and that drove me to SI (along with many other things).
She quit working, and started compulsively spending money, and wasn’t paying my mom mortgage (for she still lives in the house that my mom owns back where we used to live), and blah blah blah. Things just aren’t good.
So, she bought a big ol’ luxury car on the 8th after taking the Chrysler bail-out, and is back in college but not doing well. She thinks that $75, 000 will last her until she gets her bachelor in 2 years, but at this rate, if she isn’t completely frugal, she’ll run through that money by the end of Christmas this year!
She barely comes to see me, now, and anytime I’m with her, complains to me about her “horrible depression” and how she wishes she wasn’t alive to deal with this. Mind you, she’s histrionic, too. All she does is go to doctor’s appointments ALL the time.
When she found out I had Hypothyroidism, she immediately went to her doctor for a “routine thyroid screening” (Uh huh..I know..ridiculous), and that came back normal. But, she keeps insisting she has all of these things wrong with her. It’s because no one’s buying the “depression” thing anymore.
There’s a difference between being honestly depressed, and faking it for attention. It’s obvious who has which one.
About 6 weeks ago, my cousin (who is practically my brother) told me he was planning to commit suicide. That scared me, and I was in Cincinnati taking a tour of Xavier University for Spring Break. So, I called my aunt, and told her about it (she’s not his mother. It’s her brother’s son) She shrugged it off, saying, “Well, he TOLD you about it, which means he’s not going to. Look at me! I never told anyone that I was depressed!”
I was so pissed off, and said through my teeth, “If you don’t pick up that phone, and talk to his father about this, so help me …I will drive back up, and take care of it myself. I swear to you…if I have to attend my little brother’s funeral later on this week, I will never speak to ANY of you again. You have ignored his pain LONG enough.”
Needless to say, it was all taken care of.

Okay, well…that was a lot of venting. Haha.

I just miss my aunt. My “mom”. She’s not who she used to be.

“I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly to prate.

My care is like my shadow in the sun,
Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it,
Stands and lies by me, doth what I have done.
His too familiar care doth make me rue it.
No means I find to rid him from my breast,
Till by the end of things it be supprest.

Some gentler passion slide into my mind,
For I am soft and made of melting snow;
Or be more cruel, love, and so be kind.
Let me or float or sink, be high or low.
Or let me live with some more sweet content,
Or die and so forget what love ere meant.”
~Queen Elizabeth I~