I’m feeling pretty mixed up. Strong waves of jumbled emotion that I can’t untangle and strong steady urges that I can’t fight (have to accept as urges without acting on them) or else I end up with a panic attack. In external ways I’m doing pretty well. Not exactly si free but over the last few months I have gone from dangerous si to si that won’t leave scars. But I keep having extra-dangerous impulses (if I act them out—have to keep reminding myself that the impulse isn’t going to hurt me on its own). I think I have to not try and push them away but instead turn toward them, acknowledge them without judgment, then either distract or sooth myself. That’s my plan. Still, some part of me is not in agreement with that plan. Some part of me really wants to do terrible things to myself and I don’t know what that’s about.

I’m grateful that this blog was here while I wrestled with feeling like therapy was impossible for me then while it was so difficult to find a therapist who would see me. I’ve been seeing one now that I feel I can work with for about a month. It’s still new, I know. But I wonder–I have so much inside that I want to but can’t tell him about because I can’t make it through this wall that silences me when I try to talk about difficult stuff (si definitely included and definitely a top priority). I know, for instance, that I have a lot of magical thinking going on all around the behavior. I see that but don’t seem able to undo it on my own and I want to tell him but I can’t get past myself. On top of that I’m not sure it’s a good idea to push myself too much because too much pushing is a sure way to loosing control. The truth here is that I see the advantage of an inpatient program. Things could get intense but there would be support there afterward. Right now I feel like I have to be pretty careful and my T must too because he said he feels like he has to walk on eggshells. I feel badly about that. It’s not the way I want it to be.

There’s this too: the case manager from my insurance company. I started calling her in January for referrals. After a couple places wouldn’t see me I started opening up to her, which she encouraged and I HAD to open up to someone. Things were still really bad for me then and I was clinging onto whatever encouraging things she would tell me. She was tremendously helpful and it was a miracle to have one person who would keep tabs and make sure I got settled somewhere. In my whole saga I met with eight different people before getting set with the T I’m seeing and I would check in with her or she would check in with me after each new person. The last time I talked to her she called me because she’d been out of the office for a few days. I told her something that I think scared her either because it involved magical thinking or because I kept going kind of blank while I was trying to get it out. Maybe I crossed a boundary or maybe she thought she’d crossed a boundary. Beside that though, I had just been referred somewhere else and had an intake and was hoping they would take me. I told her I’d let her know. She said she hoped I would. I called to tell her they didn’t take me and that they’d referred me back to the place that had sent me. But I left this on her voice mail (twice) and she stopped returning my phone calls. Like I said, the last time I talked to her she had called me just because she’d been out of the office for a few days. I don’t know exactly what I did but I feel so ashamed.

….I feel a bit better after writing all this out.