So this doesn’t really have a lot to do with s.i. but it is kind of peripherally related.
I was moping around feeling lonely for a few hours yesterday and realized that i am really scared of people. Like, i find it nearly impossible to make friends because i don’t trust anyone. Rather than risk rejection by being social, i’ll just sit around not talking. With my friends, i still don’t trust them enough to be really ‘close friends’. They hardly know me and i hardly know them. Seems kinda like i’ve blocked everyone off, even the people who i consider close.
I am a whole heck of a lot happier when out enjoying the company of other people, but it also scares me out of my mind. I’m constantly afraid that i’ll make a mistake and make someone angry. It’s kind of that whole “walking on egg shells” feeling, ya know?
I feel ya. I, too, am absolutely terrified of rejection.
But eventually, you HAVE to trust somebody. I’ve learned that. Lord knows I’ve had my trust betrayed SEVERAL times. But I figured out who I can and cannot trust, and I keep the people I CAN very close to me. And it feels good to have them.
You’ll figure it out in your own time. Maybe you haven’t met that person who’s going to be your ultimate trustworthy friend, yet. I just know that every person on this planet has one somewhere out there.
Keep hope. Keep strong.
<3 Kate