First, thanks to everyone again for the comments. They really help me make it through the night, when I have the ah… quite bad thoughts… I was somehow able to not do it for two nights in a row, which should make me happy, but, it still doesn’t seem good enough in my eyes. Although I was able to not SI, I still had the urges and had to fight a lot to get through the night, so, it doesn’t seem like a true victory really…
Things really aren’t getting better, and it’s really really discouraging for me. But over this past week, I’ve found God again. At the begining when all this started, I prayed to God every night, asking for strength and help. But I felt like none came, so I stopped talking to him. Now I’ve just realized though that help DID come. My few friends that know have ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what, and when I told my parents, they took me to get even more help from a psychologist. I’m just so thankful that I finally have realized this, and hopefully he can serve as my anchor when I’m about to give up and SI, or worse.
I also need some advice. I’ve told my psychologist about the thoughts to kill myself, and she’s agreed not to tell my parents since it’s only been thoughts… but I’m worried that the thoughts are gunna result in attempts to do it, cause SI only started with thoughts, and look where its gotten me… I just dont know if I should tell my parents… They’re already really freaked about the SI, and my dad has threatened to take down the door to my room and the bathrooms if I didn’t stop SIing (obviously it hasn’t stopped, I just haven’t told him that I’ve still been SIing…) If that’s the reaction I get when I only tell them that, I’m terrified of what’s going to happen if I tell them this… but I don’t want this to result in the loss of my life. I know I only get one shot at it. Hopefully this will make me good for the night… probably not, but I hope I can come back tomorrow saying 3 days.