I had a rather unpleasant night. Too much on the mind.
As far as the whole s.i. thing is concerned…I guess i never really confronted it until now. I’d do it, but not think about it. Now i’m not doing it, but i am thinking about it. And i’m not sure which is worse. Plus, no one knows it’s still a problem. I didn’t like any of the stuff that came along with people knowing–counselors, meds, people who thought it was a ploy for attention, etc. So i magically “cured” myself… or started lying about it. There’s one person i’d like to tell. and i probably will tell him first if i tell anyone. but i already load so much of my drama on this unfortunate person. i’ve got a real talent for inventing trouble for myself even when it’s not really there.
I’m really wrestling with the whole God question still, and i kinda wanted to tell someone why. My family used to be what you might call agnostic. We didn’t go to church but we weren’t exactly atheists either. After the parents split, they went totally opposite directions. Mom and her boyfriend are Christians, and Dad and his girlfriend are atheists. I still don’t know what i am. I want to believe, but all i find is emptiness. Maybe that’s why the whole thing is bugging me so much. If there’s a God, he’s forsaken me. I think this is bothering me more than anything else right now.