so i’ve been wanting to si, but i haven’t done it yet. usually i get rid of the urges by going for a drive to clear my mind, but i can’t do that today because i’m low on both gas and money. so here i am instead.
i know exactly why i do it. it’s because i’m not perfect and that makes me really mad. one little mistake or imperfection and i am worth less than dirt. my self worth is based entirely on accomplishments, which works fine when i’m successful, but when i fail i’m not worth squat.
i’m trying to find a firmer foundation than the desire to be perfect. so lately i’ve been reading the bible a bit, even though i don’t and never have believed in god. and i’ve found a lot of interesting things there. but faith seems impossible for me. i don’t understand what god is, and i don’t understand how to have faith in god and god’s existence.
i’m a little mad at myself for worrying about all this stuff so much. but then i don’t see how ignoring it is going to make it go away.