So last night I was sitting here at work (on the computer) and my cell phone rang. Well here the lady who scheduled my appointment for this morning scheduled me when the therapist wasn’t in. So, I became very agitated and worked up and immediately started crying. Well then she gave me some options on what I could do about rescheduling. Anyways, long story short I collected myself (I thought of everything that I have heard in the meetings, like NOT causing my own chaos) and everything worked out fine.
Today, I had to meet with that therapist about her being an advocate for me. My county said that they wouldn’t accept me into the intense partial hosptial program, so she is going to fight for me and figure out the loop holes!!! I am so relieved!!
Today is also my boyfriends 1yr. for being clean and sober!!! So, tonight we are throwing him a surprise party for when he gets home from work at 1:00 am. I am so excited, I have only ever had one other sober relationship in my entire life. That was with my first love and I was 16 years old. After that the SIing got worse and then I started whatever else. But, I have been realizing the past few nights that I am unbelivably falling in love with him!! I am not kidding. I feel so weird saying that, but really I am. I miss him so much, I really have not seen him other than when he comes in to work out b/c he just started working and we are on different schedules.
They say absence makes the heart grown fonder…I don’t kniow. What I do know is that he is the one who put the idea of loving God into my head…and the idea of begining to love myself. He took me to my first meeting and I have kept up with them ever since. And the most IMPORTANT thing is that he does not pressure me in anyway physically. I know that sounds crazy, but that is sooo important to me!!! My scars do not bother him
Part of me is sooo afraid of him though, so afraid of giving him my heart. I want to soo badly, but I have concerns!!! I have concerns of having my heart broken. I know I can only take one day at a time, and I have been trying to not act like I am a young, nieve girl just falling in love with the first guy she meets. THat is not the case, there really is something so special about him,soething that is soo right about him. He lives his life knowing that he might not be here tomorrow. I don’t mean to idolize him…but if you could meet him you would understand.

I am just afraid of losing him…and afraid of how hard I am falling for him. 🙂
At the same time…I cannot do anythiing but smile the biggest smile 🙂

(sorry this was so long!)