*sigh* long dreary day today. I’m running on very little sleep, and I’m worried I’m going to S.I. tonight since I’m not thinking clearly. I had the weirdest feeling today. All day today at school, whenever I was around people, I just wanted everyone to SHUT UP and GO AWAY. I wanted to curl up in a ball in a room by myself. I feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room, but no one hears me… of course, this means that I’m doing my job by “acting” around other people… Is this how it’s always going to be? Drifting in and out of SIing?? I just don’t know how much more I can take of this. It’s only going down-hill again.
Why do I keep even doing this. I’m hurting myself and the people who I love and care about so incredibly much, I would give my life up for them if I had to. But I just can’t seem to stop screwing up. I used to be ashamed of SIing, but the thing is, it doesn’t even bother me anymore, and that’s scaring me. If I don’t care that I do it, then I’ll never stop. My friend keeps begging me to stop, since it breaks her heart to see me like this, and it only makes me want to do it even more. I feel like a giant failure, to my friends, parents, and teachers. I’ve let everyone down, and try as hard as I can, I only seem to disappoint myself and everyone else.