so I hadn’t SId in a while, but I relapsed again..whatever ..not so bad, but that’s not really what my post is about.
I have A LOT of issues with relationships apparently. well I knew I did but it never was a problem until now. there’s someone that likes me now. like, he likes me a lot. and I don’t not like him. so he basically just threw at me the one day how much he really does like me and I didn’t know what to say. other than that I’m messed up. so I wrote him a message basically explaining that I’ve never been in a relationship, that I’m not entirely ready, and that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else. he told me he understood and that was that. then we go to the movies the other day and on the ride home he asks me if we are indeed a WE. well I didn’t know what to tell him other than we’re not just friends, we’re somewhere in between, also explaining that I’m a very difficult person..and then last night I don’t know what happened. I think he can tell that something is wrong I guess. like I’m trying my hardest not to push this kid away. I do not want to hurt him at all but given my talent in trying to hurt myself in any way possible I’m scared that I’m going to screw it all up and hurt him in the process. and I told him this. the thing is, he keeps telling me that he WANTS me to be happy. he really does, so whats the problem?
I don’t think I’m ready to be happy yet. he can’t fix me, only I can do that. but I’m not willing to. just like I’m not willing to be in a relationship because I just will not let myself. this is the first time in my life that I have not pushed a person away immediately, I couldn’t do that to him for some reason and I thought maybe, just maybe I was capable of something. and maybe I am, but I know for sure that I’m keeping myself from it. and how do you not hurt other people when this happens? I don’t date him and he feels hurt, or I date him, sabotage it and hurt him in the end.
I’m going to go ahead and assume I’m not the only one with this problem. you guys have any thoughts on this?
ps.sorry if this isn’t really coherent