Alright… I’m kinda nervous putting this out here, but… maybe it’ll help… I dont know.  I haven’t been doing SI for too long, only about three and a half or four months.  I just dont want this to become permanent, but it almost feels like it will be.  Sometimes it’s just so hopeless, I keep telling myself that I’ll stop, but then I just go and do it again.  I dont get myself anymore.  I’m this… terrible stranger.  One moment I’ll be pretty happy, or I fool even myself into thinking that I am, and then the next I’ll be completely down and find myself breaking down yet again.  Sleep used to be my only solace, but now I can’t even bear to sleep, the dreams are terrible.  Maybe this will keep me from doing it tonight… Just a bit hard to stay optimistic nowadays.