I’ve been meaning to write on here for sooooooo long but I’ve been really busy! I’ve started injuring again (I stopped in August but have wanted to SI since I stopped). I don’t do it a lot because I have to see my doctor sometime for my yearly checkup and I don’t want him to notice any scars so I’m trying to limit the injuring so that the scars won’t look as visible to anyone.
I’ve been depressed for basically the whole year except for a few timeperiods where I wasn’t (as much as I hate to say it I didn’t like not being depressed I know it sounds horrible but in someway I think I deserve it so now I have to deal with it), but this time its the deeper depression because all I wanna do is cry or escape. I can hardly stand my best friend who’s really preppy I look at her and wanna just yell at her to stop being so annoying but I don’t. Then I look at my other friend and all I wanna do is tell her that I injure even though I know that she’ll tell my mom. I look at people in my school or my classes and I judge them and thats not me I give people a chance but now that I’m depressed I don’t want to give people a chance. I want to judge them in that second and then hate them and I don’t know why! I can have the best day ever but suddenly I go home and I get into this horrible mood and I’m mad and I go from nice to mean. I lash out at my family for no reason basically and I HATE it when people talk I don’t know why I love to talk but all I want is for everyone to be quiet I don’t want small talk in the car on the way home I want quiet and I don’t know why I usually hate the quiet. Today my best friend, was trying to make me feel guilty about not calling her and combining our two groups but honestly I couldn’t give a care in the world I kept sitting there thinking that I didn’t care and I didn’t want to be sitting there listening to this. I felt like telling her that I didn’t combine the groups because I don’t like half of the friends she has half of her friends I find are total snobs, who stick to their stupid little cliques, and I think look down on me because of how I talk. I have so much anger in me which is combined with hurt which is combined with happiness and just about everyother emotion in me.
This counselor keeps calling me down to “talk” she doesn’t know anything but I feel like she can tell something is up and I always feel weird when I go in there like she’ll ask if I’m depressed or anything.
Sorry I wrote so much! I just needed to vent.