Ok so i havent posted on here in awhile. The last one was about my last big relapse after having 41 days without si. Since then it’s been back and forth, good and bad. Probably more bad though. Went about a week, then messed up again and maybe another week, then relapsed again. It’s been crazy and a lot has happened. I’ve been losing everyone in my life. All my best friends are pretty much gone. Gone just like that. I miss them so much. This past week has been the worst. Things got so bad I almost tried to end it completely. I was tired of everything. That’s still in my head now, but not as much as it was. Now reality is hitting me and I hate it. I went for awhile and didnt have to worry about hiding my scars from people cause they were in places that weren’t visible. But Thursday I wasnt thinking at all, and well now its visable. But then it was winter and it was ok, I had a jacket on all the time. But now…its starting to get hot. It’s Vegas so it gets hot really early here. And now I’m having to be paranoid every time I go out of the house.  They’re fading, but not fast enough. And it just makes me so mad at myself for being so stupid…And when all this finally hit me, I kinda got scared at my first thought. Instead of thinking…”wow maybe I should really try and stop this so I won’t have to worry about hiding them anymore”…it was “wow maybe I should really try and hide them better next time so I wont have to worry about hiding them anymore”. I did end up thinking the first thing later on..but now I just dont know which side of me is stronger. I’m losing all my strength. And I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Like I have “friends” but none that are here with me and know what’s going on…I feel like I have no one now. I’m all alone. I hate it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m too scared to realy open up to someone here and tell them everything about what’s been going on lately in my head…I’m just so scared I’m going to get locked up or something…Idk i’m probably overreacting…but it’s still so hard. I guess that’s it. Just needed to let that out.