i’m 22 years old and have been in and out of therapy for years.

i started therapy (under protest) when my best friend noticed my injuries.

in the beginning, i saw SI as a viable alternative to handling my “issues”.  Between starting my freshman year of college without any of my friends close by, and working, and rigourous band practice…i didn’t have time or energy to carefully dissect my issues and i had never been good at discussing my feelings.

it was just easier the way i was handling things.

then i started dating this boy.  when he asked me to be his girlfriend, i showed him my scars, old and new, and told him i really liked him. but i came with issues. and if he wasn’t ready to handle them, he didn’t have to date me. i never told him i would give up injuring.  it was too precious and comforting to me.  he agreed with this, but thought i should find a better way to handle life.

we’re still together (2 years later) and he threatens to leave me if i don’t stop injuring.  so i’ve taken to hiding it from him, which is becoming increasingly more difficult to do.  there isn’t anywhere he doesn’t see any more.
-this scares me and makes me want to SI more than ever.  this, the fact that i have lost even control over my own body, is beyond terrifying.

i want to stop. but i want to do more than that.