I feel like a big fake. My family and friends think im si free, and im not. I was last time i posted, but im not anymore. Whats worse is that they r so proud of me 4 working so hard, but im not. Im giving up. I have even lost my desire 2 b si free. That scares me 2 cause i dnt no what it will take 4 me 2 get it bk. I dnt even no what caused me 2 loose it, i just no i got the urge 2 si, and there were none of the fellings that normally hold me bk. All i felt was the urge 2 si, not that ussual hesitency, that normal, do i really want 2 do this feeling. When i was preparing, i never once felt that twinge of do i really wanna do this. Now i feel horible, cause i have 2 lie 2 everyone, else they will treat me like crap, and i will wanna si even worse. I wanna have the desire 2 b si free, i guess outta guilt, cause i no i should at least wanna stay safe. But its just not there.