I’d been about a month without but just had to and tried a few days ago but it didn’t work. It hurt too much and it didn’t help me. It’s never been like that before. On one hand I’m sure this is a good sign. On the other I feel abandoned by my last resort–like something has been taken from me against my will and I wasn’t ready to let it go. I feel a bit panicked and forced. I’m trying to hold very close to the things that help me. I’m alone right now and could easily go try to get it to work again–that’s what’s on my mind. I think I could get it to work.  I know this is not a good idea. What am I feeling? I just don’t have a clue but I’d really like cry and cry and cry. There are all these changes that are good. I’ve been overjoyed about some things but scared.