Hello again.

Wow really I needed to take a break from homeworks…

About my last post: thanks for all comments and supporting words. I answered to your comments with another comment…I really didn’t know what to say because I was touched and I tried to answer to the questions mostly.

It is 1:57 a.m. now and I can’t sleep. I am tired but I can’t sleep. My fever doesn’t let me too. So I’m in bed using my sister’s laptop and I decided to tell you my story. It will be a long post…

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I was born at 16th July, 1991 in Portugal. The city I was born is Coimbra and it is known as “The City of Students”. The city in more to north but geographically is in Center Region. The Delivery of my birth was dangerous… and I was in risc of death… Now I just think that I should have died back then.

My parents were young. My mom was 18years old and my dad was 22years old. My mom was from countryside and my dad was from city. I was a loved only child. We lived in my paternal grandparents house and in the first two years I had not any problem. I was quiet, I liked to be a model to photos, I had all toys I wanted.

My dad has 7siblings and I don’t know 4 of them. Well one of those siblings, my aunt gave birth to 5 children and all those children were put in a boarding school by Social Security. those 5, my cousins, went many times playing to the house where I lived. because they should not be always in school my mom liked to bring them home sometimes.

One of my cousins was 12 years old and he liked to play with me.  I was only 2 and he touched me in ways he should not have.

After that I only remember pictures…some disconected words, some random scenes of him hurting me.   Ah…my granfather died when I was 2 too. I started to be really sad in that time. I started to want to be alone all time, crying without reason and I had many rage acesses.

And this strange “game” finished when I was 4 and moved.

When I was 4 one day my mom and dad and I went somewhere, and while we were in the car and my dad was driving my mom asked if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I said I didn’t mind to have one…but that I preferred a brother so he could play soccer with me. I was a tomboy at that time. After some minutes I asked my mom something that was bothering me really much. I thought hours about it and I wanted to know the answered. and I believed my parents knew all the things.

“Mommy, why people exist?  Why are we born?”

Answer: “Sara, don’t ask me weird things. you are a kid. you should play more and read less.”

Yeah…I learned how to read when I was 4. I started learning english too when I was 4. I watched Cartoon Network Channel and because the cartoons had not subs I associated the words to the actions.

When my mom said that I got sad… I wanted her to be proud of me because I knew a lot of things. In that year one day I arrived home and ran to inside of the house. My mom was crying and she and my dad were screaming… My dad to buy all thinks had asked the bank many money and he was in debt.

I remember to be hungry and had nothing to eat. I remember that I was cold and I had not clothes enough… I survived…

My sister was bornt at 9th July, 1996. One week before I completed 5years old. I remember to see her little and full of wrinkles crying and taking out the tubes from her nose. Some days later my grandmom (my dad’s mother) came to live with us.

Well you see my grandmom suffered from a bipolar disorder and no one knew in that time. and I didn’t understand my grandmom was not healthy. So when she started to physically hurt me and after, like never happened and asked me “sweetie are you OK? do you want a chocolate or something I can give you?” Then she told me stories and teached me a lot of things… One day she said to me “Your parents don’t like you. Now that your sister was born you just can die!”

I started elementary school as one of the best students. But I had no friends… I was scared of other kids. And they wwere scared of me. One day I asked my 1st year from elemantary school’s teacher “Teacher, does God really exist? Or is he just a product of Human’s imagination? You know… for when we are scared is easier that there is someone who will protect us”

The teacher pat my head and said “silly. don’t do weird questions”

I was sexually abused again by that nanny’s husband…. This time was worse. And I remember it better. It was the first time I tried to  end my life.

 My mom and dad both physically hurt me.  and my older sister role started there

When I was 9 I got really sick in the first monday of May, 2000. in the hospital I cried and told to my mom “sorry for getting sick in mom’s day” Remembering that…this monday is Mom’s Day.

I entered in middle school at 2001 one week after the 11th September. I got more problems with the bullies at school but finally I could stop going to that house where was that man. my sister entered  in kindergarten.

one day mygrandmom got sick and one morning when I woke up she was breathing funny. I called my dad.

She died in that day. I started to be scared of dark in that time. 

My mom got pregnant and then sick and she went to hospital. she was there one month before the delivering

My other sister was born at 20th June, 2002. She was born with 6weeks and she was really little. she needed to say at the hospital. two months.

Those 3months… i was all alone at home. My grandmom (mother’s mom) went to my house to check on me and my sister Rita. and she treated us really well. but I was alone almost all type. taking care of both. my dad needed to work and my mom was looking after the baby.

When I was 11 I got my first two friends. Those two had problems getting friends too so we got along pretty well… I only released later that I got along better with persons that had more problems than usual.

And I start SI when I was 12. I don’t know what why… I just started it. In the begining I even didn’t know it was not healthy or a cope way. I needed it only that! Those friends were in love with me… and I didn’t think it was awkward because we were girls. It was only because…they were my friends and I couldn’t feel other way.

because of the scars I started skipping PE classes and because of that my teacher put me in the school psychologist when I was 14. I never told him I SI. after two months the term was over and I would start high school.

I started seeing a psychologist in the hospital…Only that I hated her. Her name is Lara and back then she really would make me furious. after each session I only wanted to hurt her. this because… she was breaking my walls. To outside people I wanted to seem scary and cold so no one would approach and hurt. and suddenly she was there all powerful and I couldn’t do nothing.

When I started high school I stopped seeing her because the lack of time. I got happy for that. And that year I met this new school psychologist. she was so kind… and funny. and she convinced me to enter in the theater club and said I should try singing…and I got really better. really better… my class was amazing. everyone got along really fine. and outside the class I got friends… and then my dad loose his job.

after some months I started seeing Lara again. and after another suicide tentative I started to see a psychiatrist too. And I did some IQ tests… and suddenly I had Intellectual giftedness and everyone expected great things from me. At the same time at home no one cared that I had school and I started to do all job at home. After starting take the medication I had a bad result in school… In that day… 

This time…I loved Lara…For the first time she made me cry in years.

In November 2008 my dad called my mom: we will move in two weeks.

And I moved to a house 600km far away from the place where I was getting something… my mom stopped buying me medicines. and I stoped taking them. I stoped seeing a therapist because the lack of time. I transferred school… and here almost everyone hates me because the teacher are always “Sara this…” and “Sara that”

and the rest I already told…

Sorry for the long text…. I guess I will sleep a bit for now…

Sara