every time i get better i just get worse again i was doing fine for a little while and now today i S.I.’ed again i always go back to it i feel like just curling up in a ball and crying i dunno what to do and my friends don’t help me any they just get mad at me they don’t realize I’m addicted to it and i can’t stop its the only thing that keeps me sane anymore and i keep having flash backs of my best friend that committed suicide i can’t stand it i can’t even focus at school I’m so distracted and all everybody is doing is getting mad at me and yelling at me half the time its like they’re not even yelling at me its like i’m in a haze and nobody can get through i feel like there’s something wrong with me and i have no one to make it better every relationship i get in people hurt me i don’t understand anything anymore sometimes i feel like the world is working against me nothing ever works i try so hard to just push everything aside and be happy but i can’t do it it always ends up popping into my mind again and i get really depressed and then my thoughts start swirling to fast for me to handle and i have flash backs so i S.I. because that’s the only thing that slows everything down and brings me back to reality but then i feel horrible because i feel like there’s something wrong with me idk what to do
I see you have friend issues, as you said. Trust takes a long time. I used to have such trust issues, and I used to hate myself for every little thing. After a while I realized that I couldn’t do that, it wasn’t right. I had to love myself for who I was and accept that some/most things were not my fault. What I think you need to do is find yourself, and dig up a little respect for the good person that you are. Tell yourself the truth…that there is nothing good about SI. It doesn’t solve, it doesn’t take away. It does nothing but scar us and injure us, and offer temporary solace. We must seek permanent hope in God, and you need Him in your life. You can do this, you are loved. There are people here who care.
<3, rescue.
I no wat u mean about people not understanding si and getting mad about it. They dnt understand that its an addiction. At one point, just about everyone i no was about 2 give up on me, even one of my best friends who also si’s. Thats a big part of y i went 2 safe 4 treatment. But since i have a good friend who si’s, i also understand the flip side of it. It hurts 2 c someone u care about hurting so bad they r hurting themself, and u feel helpless 2 help them. But wat i really wanted 2 tell u is that i learned something at safe that helps with flashbacks and disasociating. When it happens try 2 ground ur self. By that i mean, take n u surroundings with all 5 sences. Feel the ground benieth your feet, notice what u c, hear and smell. Is it hot or cold or just right? What colors do u c? What oders or fragrances do u smell? Well im not very good at explaing it, and it may sound silly or simplistic, but it works. It brings u bk 2 the here and now. If u ever wanna get ahold of me, u can email me at ohonnahsmomma@aol.com. Let me no if that helps, and maybe i can share w u more stuff i learned at safe. Best wishes.
Laura.
Hi there.
Trust is a hard thing especially when the other person does not have your issues. It would be the same if say one of your friends was abusing drugs and people were yelling at them to stop. Let’s just put it in perspective. What we do is no different that if someone else is abusing something- it is just DIFFERENT. We cope by injuring and they cope by something else. Don’t feel like an outcast, because YOU ARE NOT. You said you feel like the world is working against you and that will definitely make someone feel alone. It is my belief that the Lord sometimes wants us to feel that way so that we will ask for His help and become closer to him so that he can enrich our lives the way they should be. Pray at night for guidance and safety. Keep blogging to get your feelings out. I will never judge you. I will just respond to let you know that you are not alone and are very LOVED and CARED about.
Michelle