I’m so frustrated. I just went inpatient for 5 days. I went willingly, but one of my friends took me to the hospital. If I hadn’t been willing to go, I had enough people concerned about me that they would have reported me to the authorities… so I would’ve ended up in the hospital either way. It was my first stay in a psych ward and it was scary for me, but I needed the help and feel a lot better now.
I realized that this has required great strength and courage of me. To other people, it appears like weakness to go self-commit yourself. I see it differently, though. I mean who wants to go inpatient? It was so hard, but I had to do it and I knew it. SI and suicide (I was suicidal) are the easy ways out… asking for help is hard. I’m proud of myself for finally choosing the harder but better path.
The reason I’m frustrated, though, is that so many people seem to be viewing my choice as utter weakness. They seem to be blaming me for not being “strong enough” to hold it together and make it through on my own. They say that if I’d been more responsible or if my life was more structured… if only I had this, if only I had that. And I’m sick of it. I know they don’t understand what I just went through, but how insensitive!! It was really hard and I’m dealing with a lot of side effects from the medications, and now I have people insinuating that it’s my fault that I ended up in the hospital… I was getting help!! I don’t know. It’s so stupid. Somebody even had the nerve to tell me to my face that I self-committed to avoid responsibility and that the answer is to go get a job. (I have a job, by the way.) I feel betrayed and like I don’t know who my friends are anymore. Everything feels so upside down.
It makes you look weak because it seems as if you’ve surrendered yourself, handed yourself over to the world to be viewed as crazy. This happened to me too. I spent hours in a psych ward and I honestly thought I was nuts. But you knwo what was wierd? After a while I was just like “Screw the world and what they think, I actually like it in here.” It was a way for me to be away form everyone, and I felt like I was safe from myself. That’s exactly what that does to you, being in wards and inpatient and things like that. They keep you safe from the power of you. And that’s a beautiful thing sometimes, because they allow us easy access to recovery. So take it as a good thing, because that’s what it is. Good luck, I’ll be praying for you!
I tell you what… I have been through the whole thing of people thinking I am crazy, out to get attention, weak, etc…. On the flip side, I have this amazing strong side people see and it totally confuses them as to why I do this to myself. For the people who don’t know that i do this, it would be shocking. But you know what??? This is an outlet for us just as drinking, doing drugs, sex addicts, shopaholics are for other people. Now, what we do is more harmful because it has physical and sometimes fatal effects. That is why it is great to talk to people on this site. Not only can you communicate your feelings and not be alone, but you can read what others are going through and say “I thought I was the only one who did that”. As far as your family and friends go, they just don’t understand (i know, that comment is not much help). Try printing out some material on this subject and place it in front of them. Let them know that you “want” them to understand and it has nothing to do with “THEM”. So many times friends and family are extremely selfish in the fact they think that everything that happens in their inner circle has to do with them- and I have to tell you, I am no exception. There are things some of my friends do that I will never understand like using drugs when they have a no drug policy in place at work- “why would you do that and risk losing your job” i say, and they just say they need it to relax and don’t see it as a risky behavior. Just because they are not injuring themselves does not mean this behavior has no consequences- they could die from drug use and/or lose their job. It is an different outlet than what I do so I am trying to understand them. What I am saying is, by using the literature, you are telling them you want them to understand. If they really love you, they WILL read this and try to get a grip on what YOU are going through. If they refuse, then you know they are not a part of your support group and decisions have to be made as to whether you want to keep them in your life or not. I have had to get people out of my life and it isn’t easy, but necessary. You have a great support system here. I blog everyday and even recieve emails from people on this site. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Keep the communication open and we can travel this journey to recovery together…..
Michelle
They just dont understand what it is like. I dont see it as weakness in any shape of form although I have never been inpatient I give you props that had to take the most amazing kind of will power to decide to get help for youself!!! I am impressed! I hope that your decision to go inpatient has helped you along the path of recovery and hopefully those around you can see how much courage it actually took! I wish you the best of luck!!
I have been in a psych ward on two different occassions and recently revisted one for an evaluation. They are wonderful!!! And since you were suicidal it was the greatest thing for you!!! The fact that you knew that you needed to be there even though you knew you would have ended up there is huge!!! Its like you really wanted to stay alive, and thats what you did. That is what other people do not understand about us. Yes, you were suicidal, I have been before too, that is not to say that I never will be again, I hope that I am not, but we can only concerned with today!!! But, in everything that we do we are trying to keep ourselves alive, finding new and different methods to help us deal with our lives. And, unfortunately we are unable to deal with life on life’s terms a lot of the time. Other people do not understand that, that is what makes blogs like these “life savers” because here we can meet and chat and we know that we are not alone. We can get through this…and one day, we will have learned useful tools to help us deal with life on life’s terms. Do not let those people get you down. You are very very very brave!!! And congratulations to you for making an awesome decision!! Glad you are here!!!
I am not good with long comments and all that…
I only want to say one thing. I think you are strong and you should be proud. Because it takes a lot of courage to get and accept help.
“The weakest person is not the one who brings teddy bears to school. The weakest person is the one who bullies the person that brought the teddy bear.”