I’m so frustrated. I just went inpatient for 5 days. I went willingly, but one of my friends took me to the hospital. If I hadn’t been willing to go, I had enough people concerned about me that they would have reported me to the authorities… so I would’ve ended up in the hospital either way. It was my first stay in a psych ward and it was scary for me, but I needed the help and feel a lot better now.
I realized that this has required great strength and courage of me. To other people, it appears like weakness to go self-commit yourself. I see it differently, though. I mean who wants to go inpatient? It was so hard, but I had to do it and I knew it. SI and suicide (I was suicidal) are the easy ways out… asking for help is hard. I’m proud of myself for finally choosing the harder but better path.
The reason I’m frustrated, though, is that so many people seem to be viewing my choice as utter weakness. They seem to be blaming me for not being “strong enough” to hold it together and make it through on my own. They say that if I’d been more responsible or if my life was more structured… if only I had this, if only I had that. And I’m sick of it. I know they don’t understand what I just went through, but how insensitive!! It was really hard and I’m dealing with a lot of side effects from the medications, and now I have people insinuating that it’s my fault that I ended up in the hospital… I was getting help!! I don’t know. It’s so stupid. Somebody even had the nerve to tell me to my face that I self-committed to avoid responsibility and that the answer is to go get a job. (I have a job, by the way.) I feel betrayed and like I don’t know who my friends are anymore. Everything feels so upside down.