I go 4-9 days ‘clean’ then something will happen or I will start to get depressed again..then its only a matter of hours or sometimes days before I relapse.

I often have to fight off my thoughts, you know the one’s that are telling you everything your doing wrong or how stupid you are….or something along the lines of that. I fight them off on a daily basis.

I have only told 3 friends about this problem. One of them I never see alot, I see him probly once every 4 months? possibly less than that.

The other one..well we kinda grew apart. She told me that she would always be there for me to help me blah blah blah..well that lasted like a month

Then theres this other girl. She has been good about support and has definatly been there when I am in the dumps. However there is always a catch 22. She happends to have the same problem as me. She S.I’s multipule ways (i think). She can be there for me when i am depressed but yet she will go out and buy me tools. Also sometimes I get the feeling like she is trying to compete to see who can S.I the worst??? which only stresses me out bc I dont like hearing about her hurting herself. I never tell her when i do and i dont want her telling me. All it does is trigger me.

People say that talking about it helps, talking about it helps you feel better. Not for me, everytime i talk about what is making me sad…or depressed..it only makes me want to S.I. worse.

I think why I am struggling alot is bc i am finally grieving for my abuelita. She died of cancer about three years ago. I cant remember when my parents told me. I dont remember how I found out, I just kinda knew? I only remember snippets and having the feeling like “it would all get better and that she would not die” kind of a situation. Well she died. I miss her so much the week before she died she asked me to play the violin for her (bc she never heard me play it) I told her no, that i would play it next time i saw her. I didnt know that the next time I sawher would be at her funeral. I remember her last words to me, “I will miss you” then she got all teary eyed. All i did was shrug it off like she was some emotional person and was like “its ok, I will come back to see you, I promise”

I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself for not playing for her. I hate myself for not staying that extra week that she begged my dad. That was her freaking last week!!! and i was the selfish person that pushed my dad into taking us home. This is what has been on my mind…and i could tell a thousand people…and the hurt will still remain.

Talking doesnt help me. I dont have a functioning support system at home, bc no one has a clue. I will never tell them. So i am guessing, that I am at a rambling state now…asking for your help? or support in this difficult state. idk. imma go now.