So Im really confused. Im feeling really stressed now, because iots the end of the school year and we have tons of tests, and since I go to a magnet school, I laso have to pull my portfolio together for re-auditions. Theres so much to do, and my depression is comeing back, and Im haveing relationship troubles now. My bf is getting really distant, and theres rumors that he was seen kissing another girl on a bus. I dont think its true, because ive only herd it from two or three people, but it keeps buzzing around in my head. I feel like hes not talkin gto me at all, because hes not, and its buging me. We usted to be so close, we were such good friends before. Its been a monthe almost, and I think were about over. I keep thinking, what if he DID kiss another girl. Is he feeling guilty and avoiding me, or does he want to breakup, and is just to chicken to do it?
On the flip side, Im kind of proudn of myself. I havnt Sid in about two or three weeks now. two nights ago, I came so close. I was looking at the tool I use, and I keept thinking about it. I think I sat there for about two, three hours strugling over it. I finally tried to relax, and started listening to the rain outside, untill I calmed down. I was able to put the tool up, and go to sleep without Si. It was so hard to not SI, but Im really glad I didnt do it.
On a final note, a few days ago, I had a dream that all my friends and family turned into animals and started attacking me. When i woke up, I had marks and im pretty sure they were self-inflicted. Is my subcontious trying to make me SI? Thats never happened before, and its scary. Im scared that this is my bodys way of getting me to hurt myself without me knowing. What do I do?
I can relate to this intensely! Alot of the time, you feel like the people close to you are leaving you, and that may or may not be true. I think that if it’s going sour, you should get out to save yourself. After all, you’re recovering…three weeks is an amazing thing. You have to focus on yourself the most out of anyone in this world. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you, let him. You’ll be okay without it. I refuse to get into relationships kind of, because I’m just not ready for it. My spirituality isn’t and my recovery isn’t. I feel like I have to spend time knowing myself before I can take on someone else. It’s only fair to me, eh? Yeah.
And I used to get really bad dreams, too. I would wake up at three or four AM, and have to switch rooms I was sleeping in. I would dream about people killing me, and my dad would be the killer in alot of them…I had alot of problems with my dad in my childhood up until about a month ago. But those dreams passed as the stress went away. The only reason it did was because, I removed it from my life. If you eliminate or decrease the stress you’re going through and just take it easy, you’ll be okay. In your case, take it easy on yourself, focus on you, focus on school. They’re what’s most important. List your priorities, with you being first. Good luck, much love <3
I agree 100% !!! Wow, you are NOT alone. I have nightmares too and they are about people close to me. I think now the reason I had them and still do sometimes, is because I don’t know what they REALLY think of me and so I determine it for myself and then it manifests itself into a nightmare. I sometimes feel so digusted with myself and in turn, that is how I think others percieve me. It is a vicious cycle- BUT it can be broken. I am doing online counseling now as well as this site and it seems to be helping me. The online counseling is great because it is IM and you chat for as long as you want to with a counselor ( I choose this method because in office meetings with a counselor I can’t stand because I feel I am being judged). Keep the communication open on this blog and we WILL get through this together.
Michelle
Yeah, I still get frequent bad dreams and have tons of nights where I can’t sleep or I wake up for a while and get really bad, ugly thoughts. But what I used to do is have to go sleep in my brother’s room so I was okay. I’m getting alot better now, because once I wake up in a bad thought I have kind of trained myself to think positively and I ask God to keep evil thoughts out of my head. It works and then I go back to sleep until it’s time to get up.