Why am I going down this path AGAIN??? Depression I am so familiar with. Fought it off so many times before. It’s not that I don’t think I can, because I knew if I put in my all I could do it, but yet I’m so tired of having to fight, so tired of having to pick myself up and get myself to be happy for the unknown time. I’m tired of having to do it, I really am. Happiness is something that should come naturally. Sure, I’m confident I can pull through this again (again and again and again…), but at the same time frightened that I am going to keep going down this path and keep falling and then no one will be able to help me. One day I’m so happy and having a great day and then the next… the next this. Why can’t I just be happy and stay that way? Why is it so difficult for me? I journal, I paint, starting blogging here but I don’t know… I fight inbetween wanting to drink to the point of being drunk and wanting to injure myself. I’ve been fighting off the urge from both for maybe a month now but for how long am I suppose to fight this battle? I feel like it’s wearing me down and just waiting for me to be vulnerable enough. I’m usually a happy outgoing individual… I don’t feel like myself, this isn’t who I am. I want me back… has anyone seen where I gone?
I know exactly what you’re talking about…I think I have clinical depression. First things first, we should not ever be happy all the time. It’s natural to have feelings other than happiness. We just have to learn to control the negativity and to channel it into things that aren’t unhealthy for us. SI’ing doesn’t solve our problems, and it doesn’t chase them away. That’s something I’ve learned and something I have to sometimes tell myself to get through every single day. We all struggle…we’re allowed. You’re reaching out for help, and you can be helped. God loves you, people love you. Live and learn, that’s all.
I don’t know what to say to you to help you. But, what I do know is that I am there right beside you. In feeling, at least. I have a good day, a great day, the best day so far, and then the next day, man, its like I have lost everything. Those days, when I wake up and wish only to have never awakened, I still get up, and I still go about my daily routine. I try to do everything that I do daily. Especially the things that make me feel good, like doing my hair (I know it sounds silly, but it helps). I let my dog give me kisses, etc. But, the main thing that I do on days like that is cry. I let myself break down for a minute and cry, then I usually pray after that. And, for some reason (never ever being a crier, hated the whole concept behind it) it makes me feel okay. And I feel okay that I am having a “not so great” day. I ask God to help me get through one more day without SIing, and hope that tomorrow I willnot want to at all.