So I have been doing this for 13 years.  Recently, well since December I have started working with a wonderful woman, and in just the past few months have made some amazing progress.  However, I guess we all have set backs.  I did.  In that moment…I knew that I needed to stop this.  I am 24 years old and unable to wear shorts in the summer (which is rapidly approaching!).  Some day I want to have a family and children of my own.  I pray everyday…I do not pray as much as a should, but I just came back from not believe in God for a very very long time.  I started reading the bible, which if you haven’t, it really is empowering.  It just makes you feel like you are worth something, that you have a purpose even if you are unsure of what it may be.  I started dating this guy who is in recovery (na) he is close to having a year.  He doesn’t understand this, he understands the narcotic addiction, but he cannot wrap his mind around this.  But, he has faith in me, I really think that he and I may have a great future together.  He doesn’t try to “fix” me, but he pushes me to “fix” myself.  He knows that I want to be over my obsession with SI.  And I really, really do!!! Some Days however, these memories come back, something is triggered, and I just want to SI.  That is where I am at right now…how do you walk away from something that has been your security blanket for so long?  I do the phone calls before, I get out of the house, I  redirect my attention, I  do whatever it is at the time I can do…but sometimes, its like something has taken over my rational thinking and I lose control.  Its like “auto-pilot”.  And then what do you do?