So I have been doing this for 13 years. Recently, well since December I have started working with a wonderful woman, and in just the past few months have made some amazing progress. However, I guess we all have set backs. I did. In that moment…I knew that I needed to stop this. I am 24 years old and unable to wear shorts in the summer (which is rapidly approaching!). Some day I want to have a family and children of my own. I pray everyday…I do not pray as much as a should, but I just came back from not believe in God for a very very long time. I started reading the bible, which if you haven’t, it really is empowering. It just makes you feel like you are worth something, that you have a purpose even if you are unsure of what it may be. I started dating this guy who is in recovery (na) he is close to having a year. He doesn’t understand this, he understands the narcotic addiction, but he cannot wrap his mind around this. But, he has faith in me, I really think that he and I may have a great future together. He doesn’t try to “fix” me, but he pushes me to “fix” myself. He knows that I want to be over my obsession with SI. And I really, really do!!! Some Days however, these memories come back, something is triggered, and I just want to SI. That is where I am at right now…how do you walk away from something that has been your security blanket for so long? I do the phone calls before, I get out of the house, I redirect my attention, I do whatever it is at the time I can do…but sometimes, its like something has taken over my rational thinking and I lose control. Its like “auto-pilot”. And then what do you do?
You don’t allow your thoughts to be alienated. Isolation and sulking and loss of self-control are a SI’er’s worst enemy, and they are unacceptable. Tell yourself NO. Take control. Tell your conscience, even aloud, to stay with you, and then start thinking. This is bad for me. I can’t do this. I can make it. I’ll be okay. Even start praying for strength right then. We lose control of ourselves, and that leads to harmful things.
I have control of myself…but as much I as I have control I still have thoughts. I know that I am thinking them…I can still let them go. For the past 5 years I was living with my uncle who was molesting me for those 5 years…I just 5 months ago moved out and started dealing with what was going on. I do not know what to do. I am dealing with this slowly…but at the same time it hurts sooo badly!!! How am I expected not to think about SIing?
It does hurt to start to deal with things properly sometimes, but it’s part of life. People deal with these things alot, you’re not alone. It’s okay to deal with them without SI’ing, and you can do that. You should see a counselor soon, or talk to someone about it. I think it may be best for you. You can get help, you just have to reach out. It’s good that you can control your thoughts about that and all…I commend you for that. Honestly though, you’re starting to deal with this now, it’s reality. Just like you said. Please know though, that you cannot do this alone. You need help from others. The fact taht you’re asking for help here, it’s great. There’s hope for you. I’ll pray for you. <3
Hello…
I had an appointment today. I go every Friday. Today was amazing and I guess she thinks that I am ready to begin talking about my life before the past five months. And also I had just received more information about the partial hospitalization program that I am suppose to start. Today, today is a good day and God got me through today!!! Today, I do not want to SI. Hopefully he can help me get through tomorrow too!! Thank you for your prayers and I am very very thankful for this website!!! 😉 🙂 🙂
You’re very welcome. See guys? There’s another witness to God’s power. He heals all, and I am just doing His work by helping you all…it’s nothing, really, I don’t take any credit for this. It’s something I was just called to do. And Jymes, I’m glad, so glad, that He and I have helped you. If you ever need me, you know where to go, and if you ever need God, he’s ALWAYS available. I will continue to pray, and you should, too. Having faith gets you far. I’m thankful I have helped you and many others, and I hope to continue doing so. Congratulations…<3