Hi! I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged and that’s because I just haven’t really been able to put into words what I’ve been feeling deep inside of me. Deep down I’ve been in so much emotional pain and have been angrier than I’ve ever felt before. I’ve been trying to cover up the pain by hurting myself either with the food or with my tools that I have. Everytime I injure myself everything seems to stand still and I feel this numbing effect to the point where I completely stop feeling anything and then it’s like after it’s done the anger comes back in 10 folds. For about the last few months or more even I’ve been trying to push all those buttons that everyone has so that they would just say good-bye. Actually I’ve been trying to mostly push all the wrong buttons with my Therapist & Psychiatrist just so they would get so fed up with me that they would be the ones to end treatment and then I would be alone and not feel the guilt I feel if I Self-Harm. I’m in so much pain that I can’t think straight enough to pull back on what I’m doing. I try so hard not to that it eats at me and then that’s where I give in to whatever is happening at the time. I feel like that when it happens I’m not even aware of it until I injure. Right now I’m feeling really lost and I guess just need some sort of signal that this to shall past because right now I can’t even see any light. My E-mail is denny666@verizon.net if you feel like writing. I can’t get pass this wall I’m seeing in front of me and I’m kind of scared about this feeling because it’s never been this intense before.
You seem to be resisting the help that’s coming to you, and that’s never good. Seek out the help, just like you’re doing now. It will be beneficial to you and much better. Self-injury is never the answer, we all know that. Instead of pissing off your therapists, look for ways they can help you. It will really, really help you, I promise. You can get through this, and you will. Just don’t do it in ways that are unhealthy. You’re loved. Remember that. By me, by God, and by the people who are helping you through your dark days.
There’s hope and everything else in the world for you. <3333
I just wanted to thank you for emailing me. I have never heard those words you said to me before. I am 41 years old. I just realized yesterday that I have been si for 28 years. That is sad. The last month has been so hard. I held off on injuring for a whole week, then I injured last night. I feel like I want to do it everyday for the rest of my life. I feel like it is my friend. My best friend. I am so alone otherwise. I was afraid this is what was going to happen and it has. I heard you say there are people that want to help, but I don’t know those people. I am on the waiting list to go to the SAFE program, but my therapist just quit seeing me (which has caused me to spiral downward) because my issues are too intense for him. I’m afraid of what might happen to me. A
ang7777:
Don’t be afraid of what might happen…instead of worrying, work hard to make it positive. It’s not your best friend, it’s your worst enemy. When you SI, you turn yourself into your worst enemy. The truth is, isolation, fear, sadness, and darkness are our worst enemies. We have to work at making OURSELVES our best friends, and loving ourselves. That requires not hurting ourselves, and being able to find safe outlets. Talk to other people, but make a point to do so BEFORE you SI. As soon as you get those bad feelings, just tell yourself NO and then pick up a phone. Call your best friend. Call a family member. I can help. Trust me, I’ve had the worst withdrawals anyone could ever possibly dream of. I would have the best day ever, and then end up crying and shaking later on, wanting to SI so bad. But if I can resist that, you can resist an urge. That goes for everyone. Do not give in. DO NOT. You’re all loved, remember that.
<3 cait
Hey, rescue is possible, I just read you post note. I read it twice and will probably be reading what you are saying to me every single day until I am living what you are saying because, I have never heard those things. At first I couldn’t understand why you said SI is my worst enemy. I got a picture of me si and like I was watching myself hurt myself. I could see that other people have hurt me but the worst is when you turn on yourself. Then you become your worst enemy. That makes sense to me now. I really don’t want to do it but i feel so much pain inside me. I feel like I let all of those people hurt me. I hate myself. i wish I was never born. My dad tried to kill me before I was even born. He beat my mom up, in her stomach. Sometimes I think that would be better than having the memories. It hurts too much inside. I’m sad. I need to read what you said again and again and again. Thank you.
You’re welcome. And my mom told me not to say this to anyone, but that happened to me too, I mean the thing with my dad. I really hate him, we don’t speak anymore. And honestly, all that hate used to be projected into hating myself. I still feel empty, you know, not having a dad to rely on and be close to. But I learned to fill the blig black hole with good things, such as God, writing, drawing, learning, and helping others, especially people who SI, because I can most relate to them. Most of the things I say are what I’ve learned, and they come from self-realization. My therapist said to me yesterday that I am following the 12 step program and doing and excellent job. By this she meant the one alcoholics use. And to be extremely honest, I have no idea what any of the 12 steps are. I just learned this all from reading up, and from experience, and from God. I’m glad people are obtaining hope from my writing…it’s as sincere as I can possibly make it, and I really do care about everyone I help. I want you to be safe. And relating to you, even though it may not seem taht way all the time, someone out there cares. Someone loves you. Always remember that. <3