Not only did I recently start coming to this blog, but I’ve also recently started therapy. I like seeing a therapist because it’s an escape from my family and friends. I find a little support from both groups ever since I’ve told them about my problems.
My friends are hardly ever there for me nowadays. They much rather be with their significant others than with me. When I feel like SI-ing or feel the urge to do some damage, I make an initial move to call my closest friends. Most of the time, they do not answer, and I’m okay with it because I know not everyone can be there to answer a call. But even that, they either don’t call back or they call back when I already have done some damage to myself so in the end, it seems there’s no point in talking to them anymore. There’s a few times I found out they rather mess around with their significant others than talk me out of my SI habits. It’s almost like they can’t handle a SI friend and a wild love interest at the same time. Of course, my friends support my therapy sections, but I question if they support me because they like the idea that they don’t have to deal with me or they really believe it will benefit me.
There was one time I was bounced around among my friends. I called to have a serious talk and the friend I had phoned would tell me to talk to someone else. And maybe it’s a foolish mistake for me to follow up on that advice because in the end, found out that my other friends tried to transfer me to another friend. I tell myself they’re doing this to protect me so they wouldn’t say something that will offend me more. At that time, I took it like an abandonment – like they just simply did not want to deal with my problems. I guess in a way, I might be stirring up drama and causing sadness for them. Maybe it’s because I’m a downer and that their significant others make them feel “high” – an extreme happiness.
My family, on the hand, believes I can help myself and a therapist is not necessary for my recovery. My parents ask me when I’m done seeing my therapist as if my problems will go away over night. I asked for a therapist and I believe they were supportive enough to find one and pay for one. But now, I’m starting to believe they chose the therapist I’m seeing because she’s going to retire in May. So far, I’ve only seen her for a total of four visits and it’s my first time seeing someone. I can’t help but believe my parents are trying to still away my hope or my escape from reality.
I like my therapy sections, even though, I hardly say much. I feel taken care of and I feel like someone is willing to listen to me. I feel hurt that my parents don’t support my decision to find another therapist, and I feel abandon when my friends spend all their time with their significant others. Sigh. This is so typical of my life to come to this. I always end up figuring things out for myself. These are the kinds of feelings and thoughts that should cause me to SI, but lately, I’ve found it useless. Both of these groups look down on me when I do it as if I’m just simply falling back into habit and that I can’t be helped. Or perhaps a waste of money, energy, and effort to help me stop, and in the end, they give up on me. I can’t help but believe they’ve already have given up on me or they are on the edge of giving up on me.
I’m glad that my therapist recommended this site to me and that I’ve met recuse is possible x0. Thank you all for this opportunity. Though, it would be nice to find some better support from people I believe are my closet friends and family.