Hi. This is my first time here. I guess that i really need someone to talk to. i have been SIing for about two years now. i keep trying to stop because i know that what i am doing is wrong but like most others i cant stop. I don’t really know why i started SIing in the first place but i think it was because i couldn’t handle everything going on in my life. Like, my mom is never around because she works 12 hour shifts five times a week, my father left when i was just a baby and i havent seen him in seven years now. When i was little i was abused by my moms boyfriend and had to go to trial and tell the judge what happened. Nd that isn’t even the sad part to me. to me i thinks its sad that no matter how hard i try to remember i cant remember my mom once holding me or telling me that everything will be okay.Umm…and at my school i have straight As, and everyone just assunes that im a genious and that its so easy for me to get good grades. But ITS NOT EASY. I push myself so hard and im never good enough. Even though i have straight As doesn’t make me like myself anymore. I hate who i am. I hate the way i look. I mean every day when i look into the mirror i see someone that disgusts me. I hate the person i see. She is ugly and fat and imperfect in so many ways. I cry when i look in the mirror everyday because i dont like what i see. Nd it doesn’t help that my mom and sister are constantly telling me that i look like my father, when i kno that they hate him. so they must hate me. But i think the thing that pushes me to SI the most is how much i have on my mind. I SI because it takes all the pain that i am feeling emotionally and makes me feel it physically. I can handle the physical pain but not the emotional pain. Im not strong enough for that. My parents want me to be someone that i dont want to be, my friends barely acknowledge my presence, my sister and me constantly fight, nd i hate who i am. And i made a promise to the person that i am in a relationship with, that i would stop SIing. but i cant even keep that promise. It just makes it hader for me to not do it when someone asks me not to. I don’t know why. Im afraid that if i just keep running without stopping to make sure this is who i want to be, that i will hate who i become…and that is not what i want to do. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, because i know that there are millions of people out there with lives worse than mine. So, i don’t deserve to here the words “im sorry” or to be helpd. I just needed to write all this down because iv been SI more than usual, but im trying to stop. I don’t want to loose who i am and i think that maybe if i talk to people who are going through the same thing that i am, then maybe i will be able to stop.
P.S. sorry for this being so long, i have a lot to say, thanx if you read the whole thing, if not i understand.