Hello. I am fairly new to this. I’ve had “SI” thoughts and feelings for 10 years. I’ve made many promises to myself and to others. But I often question whether or not, I’m stopping for myself or for others. In the end, it seems to weigh more towards others than for myself. So I’m just going to write what’s on my mind.
To be honest, I have no idea why I’m here. By “here,” I mean this place. I read a few posts before I made my account. I recently started seeing a therapist and often times, I feel like she’s telling me things I’ve already figured out on my own in the last few years.
I’ve always had trust issues with people. I have a hard time believing people’s comments about me. I rather hid. Recently, I have lost interest with my closest friends. I feel like they judge me and I feel like they rather be with their partners than be with me. I can never figure out why others have such a strong affect on me. They shouldn’t, but they seem to. At times, I can brush it off, and other times, it hits me like a mack truck.
I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Honestly, I’ve realized that hurting oneself is not really worth it for any issue that one may encounter, but my thoughts collide together. “Do it” vs “It’s not worth it.” Usually, I am able to fight it off. I’m not so sure what I’m trying to say. It’s never about attention. Yet, I always feel the need to express myself to people I hardly know. Sigh.
I know I have a choice. I just believe I choose the wrong choice by habit. I’m not sure if I choose it because I know it’s wrong or I choose it because it holds more meaning to me. Regardless, I am always up against two choices – one good and one bad.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m thinking tonight. Thanks for reading.