Hello. I am fairly new to this. I’ve had “SI” thoughts and feelings for 10 years. I’ve made many promises to myself and to others. But I often question whether or not, I’m stopping for myself or for others. In the end, it seems to weigh more towards others than for myself. So I’m just going to write what’s on my mind.
To be honest, I have no idea why I’m here. By “here,” I mean this place. I read a few posts before I made my account. I recently started seeing a therapist and often times, I feel like she’s telling me things I’ve already figured out on my own in the last few years.
I’ve always had trust issues with people. I have a hard time believing people’s comments about me. I rather hid. Recently, I have lost interest with my closest friends. I feel like they judge me and I feel like they rather be with their partners than be with me. I can never figure out why others have such a strong affect on me. They shouldn’t, but they seem to. At times, I can brush it off, and other times, it hits me like a mack truck.
I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Honestly, I’ve realized that hurting oneself is not really worth it for any issue that one may encounter, but my thoughts collide together. “Do it” vs “It’s not worth it.” Usually, I am able to fight it off. I’m not so sure what I’m trying to say. It’s never about attention. Yet, I always feel the need to express myself to people I hardly know. Sigh.
I know I have a choice. I just believe I choose the wrong choice by habit. I’m not sure if I choose it because I know it’s wrong or I choose it because it holds more meaning to me. Regardless, I am always up against two choices – one good and one bad.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m thinking tonight. Thanks for reading.
-Lessthanzero
You’re right when you say it isn’t worth it. I think that your therapist is reiterating these things to you for a reason. I honestly believe that it’s God trying to tell you to listen to the things you already know, and apply them. Take them into consideration. No situation in life is worth hurting yourself over…and as much as you do it to show others that you have control over yourself, that’s where we’re wrong. Self-injury brings us false happiness, falso senses of security, and false control over our lives. The only way we have control over ANYTHING is by dealing with it, by rolling with the punches. And by SI’ing, we aren’t rolling with the punches, or even fighting back. We’re dodging the punches, and not allowing ourselves to be helped, healed, or heard. Life can’t go on like that. Knowing you have to stop is easy…ending an addiction takes courage. I have faith in you, you can do it, and you will. Talk to your therapist about deeper things than you already do…see where it takes you. I think it will get you far.
rescue is possible x0 –
I’ve seen a lot of your comments on a lot of posts. And I’m just wondering who are you? You have very strong inspirational words. I can tell you speak from experience. Who are you exactly? You amaze me and you offer very good advise and suggestions. But sadly, my therapist is retiring in May, and I started seeing her in late March.
I’m just curious. Did you gain all this after “SI” insight from seeing a therapist or self-realization? I’m assuming that you are out of your SI state or on a very good road to complete recovery. I don’t know who you are, but you are offically my hero. Thank you.
-Lessthanzero
Thanks so much! I’m honestly extremely flattered to be someone’s hero. I have been in and out of SI for two years, and actually have been really, really inspired by other people, just as you have by me. It took alot of recovery and self-realization, and yeah I guess I just have a way with words. Alot of people say that I’m an experienced person, but I try and be humble. That’s one of the things you gotta do. I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for three years, and trust me…they really really help. She has become more than a therapist, she has turned into a friend. Before April 1st, I did not SI for almost 5 months. But unfortunately I went back, and now I have 17 days recovered, and I plan on taking a serious measure to recover this time. I’m glad that my goal in life to reach out to the people who need help and need others is fulfilled though, and that you are taking my words and my thoughts in and using them to recover for yourself.
<3
You’re welcome. I am actually going to take your advice. I really do find it nice to have met you. Lately, I haven’t been finding much support to help myself in a sense. You do a wonderful job. You really make a rescue seem possible. It’s funny, you know, I have a lot of self-realizations that I use to help myself recover and at times, I always end up breaking that perfect streak of not SI-ing. It’s almost like I’m not fully stable to hold myself up. I stopped myself from SI-ing for 9 months before I broke down and needed the damage I deprived myself of. And you know, I feel comfortable seeking your insightful words. You really bring insight to my life. Thank you. I believe in everyone’s recovery because of this blog place – even my own.
-Lessthanzero
I’m so proud of you. The things you just said, they were even insightful to me. I’m so happy that you are going to really push yourself. Just remember, we’re all broken people from the beginning. But that’s okay. We can recover, we can be loved. We are loved. It’s okay to feel bad about things, it’s okay to feel upset or disappointed. But it’s not okay to take it out on ourselves. Rescue is always possible, and that begins with knowing that we must rescue ourselves.
<3 I’ll keep you in my prayers, absolutely.
Thank you, my friend. I believe that I am loved… by the most wonderful people. And you are right about that comment on my last blog entry.
Friends do come and go. Even though, I felt like they spend too much time with their significant others, I realized that they still love me whether or not they’re with me. Thank you for helping me see that.
And also, I will try to talk to my parents more about another therapist if therapy still suits me. I realized that I do not need therapy to strive for happiness or full recovery. I have to believe in myself. There is such things as self-help, and if I believe in myself enough, I can make it on my own. My therapist now will just be a push in the right direction. But, I will make the most of the last few sections, and if I feel like I should continue, I will find a way to convince my parents.
You are also right here. Like you said, “it’s okay to feel upset or disappointed.” So I take that as acceptance. As long as I can accept my sudden “falling back to old habits” as another turning point, I am one more step to recovery. Of course, I know falling into old habits isn’t pretty or a good thing, but to be honest, I think that once in awhile we fall to remind ourselves we can continue doing it. Like riding a bike, the first time you fall a lot, but if you keep trying, you’ll be riding the bike like a pro. In a sense, even pros will fall occasionally. And knowing that, I think if I fell occasionally and accept it as a problem, I can continue helping myself recover.
I did get a chance to read your trigger-free blog. I completely agree with you. I’ve become more open with my problem because I am in the state of recovery. I let those who have help me know I am very appreciative of what they have done for me during my deepest and darkest days.
Thank you so much! Your insight never ceases to amaze me. Keep doing what you do! You help so many lost souls! I appreciate your time and effort to comment just about every single blog entry.
-Lessthanzero
You’re incredibly welcome. I mean, you have no idea how flattered I am by the fact that I am helping you so much. You can do this, I have faith in you. And you’re starting to grasp my concepts, you’re learning. You’ll be okay, I know you will. Sometimes, it takes a step backwards to complete a journey forward. We all mess up, but we can’t do it to ourselves continuously. We must learn from that step back that we took and use it to launch us forward. Make it our motivation to get better. Because that’s 100% possible, including for you. As I’ve said, isolation, fear, and disappointment, are our worst enemies. Don’t sulk. However, faith, acceptance, and community, we must make those our best friends. They will break us through that wall. They’ll not only put us through it, but they may knock it down forever. Tear your walls down brick by brick…consider this…by SI’ing, youre building walls around yoruself, enclosing yourself in hurt and away from the world. But each day that you don’t give in or give up, you take a brick off that wall and you start to recieve light. It happens. I’ve witnessed it. And if I have, you can as well.