I feel horrible. I went 41 days with out it…and that’s all i could do. Yeah it was a lot for me…but still. I gave in. And not like before. But worse than ever before. Now it’s in my head so much again that it wont go away. I like to draw…and i started drawing the things i was thinking about. I wont go into details…but it was bad. Everything just hit me all at once. I couldnt handle it. I can’t even explain everything that happened and all the reasons why i did it. I pretty much feel like a failure and a screw up. I screwed so many things up in my life that its finally getting to me…I don’t know what to do. I cant even sleep at night anymore. I cant think anymore. I cant function. Im hurting everyone all around me without even realizing it. Im losing everyone around me without even realizing it. I feel so alone. Everything hurts. Inside and out. It’s past midnight and i cant sleep. I can’t stop crying and I cant stop thinking about it…why wont it go away…im so scared…i was scared of myself to come home today…im so scared of telling my mom about my relapse. She was so proud of me when i got my 3o days. Now i have to tell her i ruined it. Tell everyone i ruined it. All the people in my recovery group that i slipped…i almost felt like not telling anyone and forgetting about it. But i couldnt. And i’ve already hurt people by telling them. Ugh i just want to stop…its hurts everyone and everything in my life…but why cant i? I feel like i will never stop. Im going to deal with this my whole life…maybe I should just get used to it. Whatever. Im done. Just wanted to get that all out.