So its been about three months since I stopped and since I’ve been on SAFE. I’m kind of sure I’ve stopped for sure, but I’m not fully convinced yet. My mom has been the biggest help with this whole issue. Since I told her, she has been really helpful on my road to recovery. I found out recently that there is a way to get rid of the scars, but I don’t think I’m ready to get rid of them yet. Call me crazy (because I probably am), but they’re kind of like an old friend to me, and it would be like losing a part of me if I got rid of them. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that it has become a part of me and if I lose it, I’m losing a bit of myself. My mom thinks I’m using the cream to get rid of them but I’m really not. Everyday, twice a day, I take out a bit of the cream out and washing it away in the sink to make it look like I’m using it.
A few times I feel like SI-ing again, but then I think of my mom and how much its hurting her. She said that God brought me into this world with this one life, and I should never take advantage of that gift by doing this to myself. I’ve found an alternative, but I’m not really sure its better or worse than SI. It’s another way to injure, and my friends think it’s “ok”.
I’m also waiting for summer to start again because before I started to SI, I used to take out a lot of my emotions on the sports I play like volleyball and soccer and tennis. It helps me keep in shape and its also a good stress reliever.
The only thing that is really bothering me is showing these scars. What will people say if I go out with short sleeves in the summer to play sports? I can’t wear long sleeves all summer… One girl I know suggests make-up, but I’m not sure if that will work.
Anyway I’m just glad that I’ve stopped for a while. Its been three months but it feels like three years. My life used to be really depressing and dark when I SI-ed, but now that I have paused, or stopped, I’m beggining to see the light in things, instead of the dark.