Okay, well I’m new here. I’m sort of in desperate need for advice. I’m a freshman in a completely new highschool. I went, for the past nine years, to a private Christain school and there were only eleven kids in my class, so basically I know no one at the high school.
My best friend “Natalie” and I just stopped talking for no reason what so ever at the beginning of the year. We’ve been best friends since we met in kindergarten at the private school. It completely destroyed me for our friendship to just fall apart for no reason. We barely talk now, and even a hi in the hall way is really awkward. But what hurts the most is she knew I was going through a lot. I told her about my SI problem, but she literally could care less. She told me she used to sort of SI, but not really, so I asked her for some support, but that’s when she drifted away.
So at the beginning of highschool I was almost alone. I had two other best friends in the same grade, “Eric” and “Miley” (though Miley and I were never as close as Natalie and I). I also had a boyfriend, “Warren”. I thought I was in love with him, I know now I wasn’t, but at the time I did think so. I never saw anything wrong with him, but I did notice he didn’t like me nearly as much as I liked him. I convinced myself that because of my SI problems he deserved someone a lot better so I broke up with him so he could be happy with a normal girl.
Than a few days after that “Eric” told me that he’s liked me for a really long time, so being confused and defenseless I lied and told him I liked him too. I was scared that if I didn’t like him back he would be mad and than not want to be friends anymore. And for a long time people have told me that we would be good together, so I just went along with it. We went out and he pushed me into kissing him, but about a week later he told me it was kinda awkward. So he broke up with me. Two days before that he promised that whatever happened we would still be best friends for life. Turns out that was a lie too. It’s been six months and we still haven’t had an actual conversation. I recently told him that I missed him and all he said was Oh okay. That really crushed me.
I am extremely shy and have low self-esteem so it is really hard for me to be around people I don’t know. So being at my new school I have made zero new friends. Only two people know about my SI, my ex-best friend Natalie, and my other, younger best friend, “Gabrielle”. But since I’ve talked to Gabrielle about it, she seems to ignore me to! That’s why I can’t tell anyone. I’m scared that if people know this they’ll think I’m crazy and won’t talk to me.
And just recently I started talking to Warren again, I was still “in love” with him. He told me he liked me and I got my hopes up, but than a week later he started going out with this other girl “Diana”. That really finished me off. It’s like everyone I trusted abandoned and metaphorically speaking killed me. I’ve been trying really hard, but lately I’ve been dreading going to school and seeing Natalie and Eric and just being there. No one talks to me except Miley and I feel really alone. Suicidal thoughts have definietely been in my mind. I just needed to let this all out…