I’m enjoying a rather even-toned medicated life. hehe. But really, I’m rather enjoying not being in a hospital, not being in a program being told when to eat, and when to go to the bathroom, and what to eat and how much to eat. I’m rather enjoying not being behind locked doors.
I’m enjoying having quiet nights and crazy nights with my housemates. I’m enjoying escaping to the Music building on campus, despite being on leave, and playing piano, despite the occasionally pangs of guilt and thoughts that “I’ll never be good enough.” I’m loving the outdoors and the times that I have the motivation to go running, despite running much less than I’ve ever run in the past six years of my life. I’m enjoying watching ridiculous movies with my friends, sleeping much more and much less than usual, finding peace in the safety of my own body. I’m enjoying not waiting every week for the one hour with a therapist to attempt to spill my guts to find a moment of relief. The freedom to eat popcorn for breakfast, to exercise at 10 pm, to be able to do my own taxes (okay, so that is much less fun than other things), to go to Relay for Life, to have random cooking experiments or to have excursions to sketchy kareoke bars (okay, so that was just once).
Don’t get me wrong, life is still terrifying to me, still difficult, still unsteady and rather capricious. I still have bad days, days in which I feel a heavy sense of regret and guilt, and sickening twist in the stomach, a constant anxiety about the future, a questioning of my abilities, and irritating conversations with certain family members or friends. Sometimes I am still terrified of my feelings, wishing to escape reality into my little world of ignorance, and hide beneath the covers of the illusions I have fabricated for myself.
But, I’m glad to be independent, to have the freedom to do almost whatever I wish. I’m glad to have enough control over myself to have a life to live, to not need constant surveillance, to not be lost to skitzophrenia or dementia or many other illnesses. I’m glad to have my privacy and my friends and my family and internet access (lol).
Of course, there exists this nagging fear that follows me around, sometimes more present than other times – what if things break down again? What if I “fail” again? What if I never make a life for myself? What if? What if? What if? But right now, I’m not breaking down, I’m not failing (whatever), I’m not there. I’m quite firmly planted here and when and if here changes to there, then I hope I have the strength and support to get through it.
In essence, as bad as things may seem, they could always get worse, and as good as things are, they can always get better. Or vice versa. Anyhoo…I’m not going to mention how many SI free days, it’s not the most fantastic, but it’s also not the most terrible. I kind of find the practice of counting SI-free days rather competitive, actually. Or binge-free days or purge-free days or starvation-free days. So, if you are counting, and that helps you, go for it, but if it makes you feel worse, if you find yourself comparing yourself to others’ then maybe it isn’t the best strategy for you. Embrace however many days you have “SI-free” and don’t minimize your own accomplishments (yeah yeah, easier said than done, lol). =) Happy March 31st!