I’ve spent the last three days ruminating about this one dilemma. I’m going to discuss it with someone who may help sooth me a bit tomorrow but really I think I’ll have to wait a couple weeks to get the real information I need. Maybe that’s not the case… The point is that I can distract myself for however long but when the distraction is over I’m back to the same place. And that place is full of urges and hopelessness and a sense of abandonment (not a usual issue for me) and just this feeling like there must be something so deeply unacceptable about me. And at the same time urges, urges, urges. And conflict that leads to more urges and it’s not that I want to die but it’s like there’s not enough space in the world for me. Like the world wants me to die. I’m trying to talk my way out of this distress. It feels like it will be steady crisis until I get this dilemma resolved but I can’t afford a couple weeks of steady crisis and I can’t stay distracted for weeks on end. So what do I do? Maybe I have to convince myself that the decision isn’t that important. But my entire wellbeing is at stake so that’s a hard sell. The truth is that I do want to either explode or melt into a puddle and be taken care of by someone else because I feel like I can’t do it by myself. I feel like I just can’t cope enough. And it’s not that I can’t sooth myself because I can but not 100% of the time. I feel like things are just SO BAD and when I take a step back I can see that I’m actually kind of OK in most ways but I can’t get that feeling like I’m OK. This decision makes me feel so bad about myself. I think of people who have it so much worse but it just makes me feel guilty. I can’t cope enough. Maybe I have to convince myself that I will make it through whichever decision I make. But this is the thing: The known feels safer than the unknown because I can hold onto it. But the unknown might be better for me. But it might also be worse and then I will loose what I have now and have nearly exhausted resources and prolonged getting plugged into a system. But then I already know that the known has a big flaw. But I also know that nothing is perfect and maybe it will even be good for me to work through that flaw. But going over this again and again and again and again is definitely not getting me anywhere. Sigh. I guess back to trying to produce distractions for myself. It’s like someone came along and shook this tree that I’m stuck standing under and they were trying to be helpful but they left and I’m still there and this stuff is falling out of the tree and hurting me. I think that’s what therapy feels like. I want someone to help me NOW. My patience is exhausted. Though it doesn’t even feel like patience at this point- it’s raw endurance and it’s running thin and I’m messing up my life with SI. And I’m such a fortunate person. On one hand I feel like I’m exactly the person I want to be and I can’t begin to understand why I have all this trouble. The trouble feels like just some weird bad dream that I ought to wake up from and apologize for. I want to SI to punish myself for SIing. Like I need to be just so sorry for wasting people’s time and leading them to believe that something is wrong when the reality is that everything is great. But then I think that’s denial. And then I feel like I don’t know what reality is. I feel so ashamed to be this way. I don’t know why anyone would help a person like me and I’m not going to make it unless someone does help. I’m guessing that I have too much black and white thinking going on here but I don’t know how to work my way out of it. Back to distractions for real this time. I really wish it wasn’t so hard.