So i’v been wanting to SI for a few days now, but i had been resisting the urge because i hadnt done it in so long (almost three months) but then i got in an argument with my friend and everything went downhill. I SI’d and i feel awful about it. I know that SI is wrong, so why do i keep doing it?
i know exactly how you feel. i had gone almost 3 months, anad then i slipped up again and felt terrible. but noboy can fully recover without relapsing, and that fact is really hard to accept. but you can’t get yourself so down about it, as much as you might want to, because thinking down about it will just bring the rest of you down. obviously it wasn’t a positive thing, but now you have more mitivation not to SI again. and there’s a part of us that craves SI and wants it, and we have to fight that part of us to recover and stop for good. and sometimes things just let it take control of us, and let it dictate our actions, but the most important part is taking controll back before it gets out of hand.
I didn’t stop doing it until I had no choice other than to face the true consequences. For me, staying safe is a matter of life and death. If I go back to it, I will die and I know this and I have people in my life who never fail to remind me how my next time might be my last (not related to suicide).
I’m not trying to scare you, I’m sharing my reality of SI with you. I have hit the bottom of the bottom of the bottom of the pit and there is no doubt in my mind or in the mind of doctors, friends, and family that I will die if I go back to it. I hate how I have had to fall this low and lose so much in order to see this, but I have been given a second chance to live… as long as I don’t continue or ever return to SI.
When I was falling toward my bottom, SAFE didn’t even have a bed available. I tried to get in and was refused because of a 60 day waiting list. There was no treatment available for me at the time locally or anywhere else, at least not what I could afford. I had to choose life or death and life meant no more SI, PERIOD! I had to choose it on my own, without being rescued and treated and rehabilitated.
I’m 26 and I’m starting completely over with my life. It is hard, it is embarrassing, and it so painful to face life right now. My current support system is fragile and new, but I’m alive now and it is only because I don’t have SI in my life.
I knew SI wouldn’t work and I did it anyway. I could have medically died and I don’t wish what I have gone through on anyone! Only you can decide how low you will fall until you accept that SI doesn’t work. Once you make this decision, you start living.
First of all, congratulations for not SI-ing for almost 3 months! I am not sure how often you used to do it before but that it quite an accomplishment. And yes, it sounds like you’re upset about SI-ing after the argument with your friend but one thing that I would see as a positive is that you felt awful about SI-ing. Yes, it may have been a set back, but why not challenge yourself and see if you can start over and go another 3 months without SI-ing? In the 3 months that you have gone without SI-ing, you must have had things that upset you or made you feel similar to how you would feel before you SI-ed. But you didn’t. So try to think of those things that you did instead of SI-ing and try using them for at least the next 3 months! SI-ing after 3 months of not SI-ing may have upset you, but I think you are quite capable of brushing that off and working on 3 more months SI free!