This is my story. (part of it and for being part of my story its really long) So dont feel obligated to read it all. I would be bored myself if i read it myself.
I am a senior this year. Now, you have to understand. I come from a *completely strict* house hold. My mother and father have set very high standards that i have to live up to. I *am* a role model for alotof people around here. I do not cuss (unless necessary), I do not date around (i dated one person when i was 15, I am 18 now going on 19), I go to church every sunday, i am involved in *alot* of community service oriented things, I have not been kissed andwont let guys kiss me ( i want to be able to tell my husband that he was truly the only person i kissed and that i saved myself for him), i have my own non-profit organization…etc. the list could go on for hours. I have a very big problem about allowing ppl to see my emotions and problems. I do not open up to ppl. The reason i am telling you this is bc all these fact play a hugepart in my life and who i am.
THE FIRST FALL
I have been taught from an early age that sex is good but only for marriage. I knew my dad didnt wait..his conversion was after college. However i assumed my mother was strong andwaited. I never second guessed this. Well their anniversary came up during the 2nd week in december of 2008, it was their 19th anniversary. I was born in May. I was 7 lbs 6 ounces (fat baby).
Let me repeat this again,
Anniversary of marriage = December 1989
My birth date= May 1990
From december to may, that is only 6 months. I was not a preemie baby.
Upon this discovery i decided to confront my mother about it. When i did she was furious with me for inquiringabout it. She admitted that the only reason my father and her got married was bc she got pregnantwith me. However, she proceeded to tell me that it was none of my business andthat i should have kept it to myself than remind her of her awful mistake she made.
*i was devastated to hear this, 1 bc i have a hard time opening up to ppl so i already felt very vulnerable. 2 bc she said i was a mistake and 3 bc i realized now why we never got along. Why throughout my childhood i felt apart from the rest of my siblings-distant-different-the odd one out-*
She proceeded to tell me i had no respect for her or her feelings and if i did i wouldnt have brought this up. She told me that she respected her mom, and when she found out that my g’maw did the same thing she did (got pregnant) she respected her mother and didnt confront her about it. She told me when my grandmother found out my mom was expecting me, that she encouraged my mother to abort me. *that made me feel so much better*
Thats the day I started self-harming, frequently. I had been lied too for 18 years of my life. I was a consistent reminder to my mother of her AWFUL mistake. * i have always had a hard time liking myself, so this didnt help*
From that point on i used self harming as a coping mechanism.
SEINORS 2009, WOOT WOOT!!!TIME FOR MORE RESPONSIBILITIES!!!YAYNOT!
You hear some many ppl saying “this is my senior year, it is going to be amazing!!!” or “My senior year was the best time of my life”
I would just like to let other high schoolers know, this is not true!!!! My senior year has been horrible! I have acquired so many freaking responsibilities out my wazoo that i cant handle it very well *obviously*. All my friends come to me with their problems. They complain of studies, the pressure of choosing which colleges to go to, scholarships to accept, scholarship deadline, applications, essays, ACT, SAT, so many freaking things to do and so little time.
So, i think this has been the worst year of my life!! So many pressures have lead me to do things i thought not possible for me to do. Dont take your child hood for granted.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER 5 YEARS.
My best friend and i got into a really bad fight. She called me names that hurt.
I just found out yesterday, that my best friend whom i love with all my heart has been self-injuring since she was 13. I feel so stupid and dumb for over looking everything! Everything finally clicked, I was just afraid of asking her bc i didnt want her to get mad at me. But i finally did and she told me that she has been si’ing.
My best friend didnt even want to tell me. I was distraught! She was my freaking best f r i e n d . Best friends tell each other EVERYTHING. I told her EVERYTHING. yet, she still didnt trust me.
She does not know about my S.I. She hasnt bothered to take observations of my odd behaviour lately. I am not going to tell her. I want her to feel bad about over looking everything like i did. I want her to feel horrible for being consumed in her self-pity that she couldnt realize that the ppl closest to her were suffering too. I tried getting her to open up to me, but she refused. I am tired of trying to continue that relationship. A friendship is a two way street, she has to give a little too.
SUMMER, UGH.IS HIBERNATION A OPTION?
I love the summer, now i hate it. Its like the whole season is mocking me. “Ha, ha, try and hide now why dontcha?” I am stressing so much about hiding these scars and it doesnt help that i live in the deep south wear everyone swims daily and if you dont your scene as a freak. I just am getting really depressed as summer approaches closer. I have researched my eyeballs out. I have expieremented. I have come to “close calls” as to attracting attention bc my clothing slipped or wearing long sleeves/long pants when it was warmer outside.
I guess i am just looking for feedback. Comments, hopes, or ppl who can relate to what i am going through. I need reasurence that things will get better? give me quotes of inspiration? I dont know..