It’s been wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy to lonnggg since I have been here and written. I’m finding that I cannot seem to write a word that’s even remotely close to how I’m feeling inside. I haven’t even been able to log. I logged last night for the first time since 2/12/09 and that was after I had a therapy session. I know what happens if I don’t use the tools in my SAFE tool box and I have relapsed twice already and I don’t think I could bare to go through another one. I have 42 days SI free and I want to continue to stay on the straight and narrow. I’m getting better and I want to keep on the path to recovery. Right now I’m really scared and hesitant, because I have a lot on my mind and all I can do is ‘sit’ with it. Which that’s ok I can ‘sit’ with it and be alright, I can be alright if I just ‘sit’ with my feelings. I just needed to share and get this out. I need some sort of feedback I guess is what I’m saying or well asking. I no longer want to be identified as  self injurer nor do I want to be identified as a crime victim. I am a person and I am a survivor. My grades are improving in college and I’m getting ready to start my first internship next quarter so that’s what’s coming up for me. I went to a Saving Abel, Seether and Nickelback concert Wednesday night and that was the first time in ages that I was able to be fully present and not be unconscious / half asleep e.g., out of it feeling. I’m a writer…. I write in my diary daily it’s how I get everything out from inside in hopes of not hurting myself. I’m struggling to find words and that has me scared senseless. I really don’t know what to do. My t said to be more assertive and less passive……  I don’t know how to be assertive. With all the emotional, mental, verbal and sexual abuse I have endured I’ve learned the message that speaking up isn’t safe and that bad things happen when I speak up. How do I change this? I see my t again in two weeks how in the world am I going to get myself through these next 13 days??