today my therapist flat out asked me if i si-ed. and i lied. to his face.  he is one of the only people that i trust.  and i lied to him.  i am sick of pretending.  i am sick of making up excuses for when i randomly start crying or just cant deal with people anymore.  i dont care.  i dont care about anything.  i want to quit. for forever.  my only wish is that i could go to sleep and never wake up.  i am sick of this viscious cycle of pain and shame and more pain and more pain and then more shame. i just want it to end.