I am just so sick of my life! I can’t deal with all this stress I am under, and I’m running out of trusted friends fast. I made the mistake of dating my best friend ever and now we can’t even talk to each other, and I’m about to lose a bunch more of my friends because of a stupid misunderstanding. I’m sick of being treated like I’m invisible by people who once cared (or pretended to). I’m sick of all the smug couples parading their togetherness with blatant PDA’s and cutesy talk. I’m sick of myself for allowing myself to be used the way I let him use me (I knew what he was doing, but tried to lie to myself). I’m just so freaking sick I can’t stand it.
I claim to despise all the fake twofaced people, but I’m just as bad. I act like this wonderfully happy person, but inside I just want to scream. This is a rare and dangerous mood for me, this sick rage that makes me want to lash out at someone or better yet myself. I just can’t deal with all this anymore. I’m sick of walking around pretending to be happy, pretending to have a future like everyone else, pretending I’m not still the screwed up girl I was a few years ago, pretending I’m ok, I’m whole and not this shriveled empty husk of a person. I was fine until I let him in. I should have learned my lesson the first time and not been so stupid as to get close to anyone, or better yet not to have gone to his house that night and reawakened everything I thought I could hide. It feels like whenever I think I’ve finally hit bottom, the floor falls right out from under me. I haven’t injured in months, but I’m just too weak to last. Tonight I’m sitting in front of my computer crying, and I just can’t stop.
I’m so sick of this life. I feel like I am the one who’s sick.