Its become a regular thought to go back to SI . I just found out it was Self Injury Awareness Day…and now I think it might have been the cause of my bad day. I’m depressed…even though I really don’t act it but I hate being around people now…it scares me because I’m not the “type” of person to be afraid much less of people I’m talkative I can be outgoing I don’t really care what people think of me…but now I am! I feel like they see right through me and now some of my best friends are going nuts with being healthy cause they want to, “live long” and I can’t stand it…I think its because I want to go anorexic (I’m thin already…I know that but I can’t help it) but I can’t because the time I did over my Winter Break it got noticied by my parents and they started saying how they’d take me to the doctor if I didn’t start eating…I don’t want those threats again…they scare me! I’m just…unusually scared these days I’m scared about walking into school of what my day will be like, I’m scared of what I say in classes, I’m scared of what I talk about with friends, I’m scared of just about everything…AND ITS NOT ME! Its bothering me so much! I think this is probably the most screwed up I’ve ever gotten…going back to SI, want to go anorexic, depression, and scared of just life in general I’m not scared of being hit in a car or whatever I’m scared of the small things. Its as if I’m out of my body and this is just a ghost walking around and the real me is floating above. My health teacher is gonna start talking about depression in my class and my best friend the one who sits RIGHT beside me knows about me SI-ing and being depressed last year so I’m scared of what she’ll think of me…I don’t know what I’ll do if SI is mentioned or what she’ll say after…we have the option to go to the counselor’s office but then it will cause a scene and my teacher will know I’m depressed. I don’t want him to think that even though its the truth. This hurts…a lot!
Sorry I jumped around so much! Its just…built up I guess.