Very bad: wanting to look up stuff on-line that will trigger me. Why do I want to do that? I want to get over this. I have not so much in the way of impulses these days. It’s a slow steady pressure. Impulse logs help the impulses but I haven’t found anything that helps the slow and steady. (Has anything helped anyone? Please.) It makes me feel battered. I keep almost giving myself permission because I just don’t know how much of this I’m supposed to be able to tolerate. I’m at my threshold. Help is finally, finally coming but still a few weeks away. I have such a feeling of having nowhere to turn and not being able to bare what’s going on. And I’m a little more aware of what the problems are (saw a psychiatrist) and it looks like there are a lot of problems. I don’t even know how to describe trying to process that. If I try to learn more am I doing the wrong thing? Am I mediating on illness? I’m very irritable. I’m making my family hate me and that pressure only makes it harder. I can’t see an acceptable way to survive without hurting myself. I wish I could be honest like this to anyone or out loud. I just don’t know how to be. I managed to be a little productive yesterday and then last night and this morning just felt so over stimulated (I guess) from the small amount of activity even though I felt fine when I was doing stuff. I’m on the cusp of good changes in my life but also just hate life.