Very bad: wanting to look up stuff on-line that will trigger me.  Why do I want to do that?  I want to get over this.  I have not so much in the way of impulses these days.  It’s a slow steady pressure.  Impulse logs help the impulses but I haven’t found anything that helps the slow and steady.  (Has anything helped anyone?  Please.)  It makes me feel battered.  I keep almost giving myself permission because I just don’t know how much of this I’m supposed to be able to tolerate.  I’m at my threshold.    Help is finally, finally coming but still a few weeks away.  I have such a feeling of having nowhere to turn and not being able to bare what’s going on.  And I’m a little more aware of what the problems are (saw a psychiatrist) and it looks like there are a lot of problems.  I don’t even know how to describe trying to process that.  If I try to learn more am I doing the wrong thing?  Am I mediating on illness?  I’m very irritable.  I’m making my family hate me and that pressure only makes it harder.  I can’t see an acceptable way to survive without hurting myself.  I wish I could be honest like this to anyone or out loud.  I just don’t know how to be.  I managed to be a little productive yesterday and then last night and this morning just felt so over stimulated (I guess) from the small amount of activity even though I felt fine when I was doing stuff.  I’m on the cusp of good changes in my life but also just hate life.