I started to si when I was 12. It was so bad in the beginning.  My si has waxed and waned throughout the years and I have never told anyone about it. I don’t think anyone has ever noticed
 because I am literally the clumsiest person in existence and among si wounds were unintentional ones that helped in keeping up my façade. I discovered after awhile that if I showed up with an exceptionally  bad s.i., i would say “I’m such an idiot look what happened after I ran into a coffee table”, then no one would be as suspicious.

I sied tonight. I hadn’t in about 4 months, the longest I’ve ever gone without. Every time I stop I want to again so badly and then when I do, I feel so weak.  My life isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be, I’m so stuck in the past and I just can’t stop. My life could be ten times worse than it is. I listen to my friends and their lame problems, wishing I could scream at them and show them what problems really are. Then I realize that there’s probably someone waiting to do the same to me. I try so hard to think of everything I have when I get the urge. A lot of the time it works but, like tonight, sometimes it doesn’t. My friends and family tell me how strong I am for everything I’ve had to deal with, if only they knew how weak I really am. This is my first post and I’m hoping that sharing things with others who understand will help. I don’t want to feel messed up anymore. I don’t want to lose control anymore.